From House Wife To Film Maker

So I’ve ambled all around my wonderland through the last four posts and  I could have left it with the last, I suppose.  Lead you somewhere for it to end up nowhere.  Like a poorly written movie that doesn’t take the end all the way.  But those movies disgust me and besides my blog is about the honesty of my journey so…

So now I try to convey how and why I forged that mask called worthless.  And it’s impact.  This limited space will be a challenge but here goes:

IMPACT: I’ve come to see I haven’t been living my life.  I’ve existed for others.  To make and keep them happy.  To give to their needs.  To bolster them onward to their successes.  To assist them to get their wants and needs.  To encourage and uplift others.  Go out my way to make others feel successful, assist them if necessary.  Make them feel good about themselves.  Find their good and breath it back into them.  But not a drop for myself.  I had died to myself.

IMPACT: Being worthless I didn’t have the right to get what I wanted and needed.  Experience success.  Happiness.  Be encouraged…

I warped myself to be what others wanted me to be.  To keep them happy.  My mom, step-dad, grandmother, cousins, ex-husband, children, friends, and people I don’t even know.  And as such didn’t deserve to be shown worth by myself or others.

IMPACT: Being worthless I didn’t have the right to be me…

Worthless was what I presented to the world.  Believed it was true.  Therefore I unconsciously looked for where I would be treated worthlessly and embrace that.  And as a result very, very few people got to see me at all.   I showed my ex, but he crushed it under his foot.  His feeling toward me fit this quote I read the other day: ” The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.”  When I read that it sunk into the bowels of my stomach and tasted bitter.  That is what I always felt from my ex.  That is worse than hate.  I know.  I lived it for 23 years.  And why wouldn’t I have chosen him?  I had no self-worth.  I deserved to be treated horribly.  Being self-imprisioned in that marriage fit the shape of my mask.  This was one example of believing I didn’t deserve to be shown worth by myself or others. Ergo, unconsciously look for where I will be treated worthlessly and embrace that.

The rest of the world I approached carefully.  Didn’t trust.  So to them I wore the mask.  Being worthless I remained at a slight distance.  I had to protect myself from those that would attempt to hurt me so I went out there shoulder’s squared and just a little cold to send the message: you really can’t hurt me so don’t try.

I have gone through most of my life flat line emotionally.  Emotions weren’t allowed as a child.  I had to learn to not cry, not laugh, not express anger, sadness…

If I cried because I got into trouble I was told, “Stop crying you don’t have anything to cry about you got yourself in trouble.  If you don’t stop I’ll give you something to cry about. I’ll whip your ass.”  Couldn’t cry if they just knocked the hell out me either, if I hurt myself, or someone hurt my feeling.  If I was happy I heard, “What do you have to be so happy about?  Stop all your laughing and silliness settle down.”  All of my emotions were slapped into check with a spanking or some other threat or punishment used to stifle it.

IMPACT: Being worthless I didn’t have the right to emotion…

As I grew up I never felt free to experience me.  To grow into me as I moved through childhood, to adolescence, to adult.  To explore who I was.  It wasn’t allowed.   I always had to “knock something off”, I had to think what they told me to think.  Stop what they wanted me to stop.  Do what I was told.  To the letter. I had to obey.  There was a chalk line and I was required to walk it.  Reminded of it often in those exact words.  As well as beaten back onto it.  And I did my best to walk it.  To not be beaten.  Or screamed at.

IMPACT: Being worthless I didn’t have the right to discover who I was…

Throughout my teens, the period where we’re supposed to be discovering who we are and so forth I had no idea how to find myself.  Only how to try and drowned the hurt and trip out of the life I was trapped in.

IMPACT: Being worthless I didn’t have the right to my own life only survival and being what others expected…

RANDOM IMPACT: Doubted my own creativity.  My own free thoughts that might resemble my individualism were at best stifled and generally drown out by the voices in my head reminding me that I had no worth.  I experienced limited success and over the last six years as I’ve made prior attempts at my own businesses I’ve failed.  Worthless people don’t experience success or get what they hope or dream for…

Phew.  That only took hours!  I need to wrap this up  It’s almost four a.m.  I think this is good.  If not it’s very close.  I’ll re-read it for the millionth time tomorrow with a fresh brain and see if I need to add anything.  It was longer than I had hoped but I did cut 600 words.  So pretty good if I don’t say so myself.

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who hopes my story is assisting someone

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