From House Wife To Film Maker

Wrote this earlier annnnnd didn’t post it.  Again.  I seem to be having a problem clicking the publish button in the last 24 hours, shaking my head…

I’m back.  Now that I’m here I had this overwhelming urge not to leave before sharing my waking thoughts, which were centered on overcoming my feelings of worthlessness.  Dribbled out into this post are the rushing streams as they flowed while I passed from the unconscious dream state to the conscious, awake.  Get them down.  Solidify them…

First thought was: if I’m going to drive this state of mind from me I’ve got to do something.    My brain is like a muddy, stagnant glass of water.  If it were actually a glass I could pick it up, pour out the water, clean it with a sudsy cloth, and replace it with clean water.  Wouldn’t that be great!  But it isn’t.  It’s sort of stuck there, sealed inside my skull.  Filled with hard wired, deeply ingrained, ancient brain patterns.  Firing away at will.  Shaped and formed from distant voices and past treatment.  Reinforced over time by other voices, that I allowed to be present, including my own self-degrading, doubtful one.

Since pouring out and washing aren’t an option there’s only one thing I can do to cleanse out the polluted waters saturating my brain.  Take a pitcher and pour in “clean water” until every last trace of the stagnated is flushed out completely.

I must change my thoughts one thought at a time: I must refuse to drink from the polluted waters of “Worthlessness”.  I must take my ladle and dip it into the sweet waters of “Great Value” and drink it in.  Bath in it.  Saturate my every molecule.  Anoint my brain with it’s medicinal qualities.

Happiness must come from within me: My happiness has always depended on outside circumstances: voices, things going right…  Never has happiness flowed out from within me.  Where it originates.  It was stopped and corked by the mask of “Worthlessness.”

I must Consciously and daily strive toward “Great Value”: As with all my healing this is a process that must be held to with great diligence in order for there to be a transformation.  But I have an inward sense that this will be different.  It won’t be so difficult.  Because I have finally penetrated to the root.  In the past the programing of the”Worthlessness” has always been the over arching monster that came and devoured the other other work.  Making progress difficult.  I was constantly running from it’s chilling voice that pierced my strong heart.  It’s words echoed violently robbing me of knowing that I could do this healing work.  Overcome what was causing me and my life to not be what I wanted it to be.  Happy, peaceful, successful, joyful, together, fearless, self-confident…

Daily being swallowed up by the swill of “Worthlessness” left me doubtful.  Fearful.  Feeling, at times, like I was fighting a losing battle.  I would never overcome.  Never heal.  Never be truly happy for more than a short time.  And confident? Well, I didn’t know if I would ever achieve that.

But I’m no fool.  This will be arduous.  It will require me to stay alert and be honest with myself.  I have to face the “Worthlessness” when it pops up and admit that that’s what’s stalking me.  Creating a purple haze.  Emitting a piercing, shrilling, screech to paralyze me with fear, doubt and confusion.   Then I must decide to take a drink from the sweet waters of “Great Value”.

I better get a flask and fill it with “Great Value”.  To keep in my back pocket.  Ready at a moments notice.  Because these moments will be frequent.

There’s more, but I must press into my day,
Theresa Jane
-whose filling her flask 

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