From House Wife To Film Maker

When my children were growing I did everything I could that I thought would allow them to grow into strong and sturdy adults. Taught them how to interact with the adult world: how to ask for what they wanted, how to  approach adults with questions or for what they wanted/needed.  How to articulate their thoughts, shop wisely, use money carefully, find information, get what they wanted, stand up for themselves.

I promoted family.  Family protects.  Family loves.  Family helps.  Family is always family.  Marriage is sacred.  Holy.  Pure.  Anointed by God.  Never to be broken.  You grow up, find your mate, marry, have children, and live together… forever.

I cradled, rocked, and nursed them.
Stacked books to the ceiling and read to them from before they were born.
Cooked fresh, whole food from when they took your first bites.
Stayed home for 21 years watching over and caring for them,
till divorce ended that.
I gave special attention to what made them happy, sad, fearful, excited…
I marked and separately noted each and every nuance.
Listened to what they thought and had to say.
Filled my days with what they hoped and dreamed for, wanted to learn, and looked for a way to provide it.
Encouraged and supported them to develop their skills.  To become all they could and wanted to become.
I Home Schooled for 16 years we transversed the country taking in culture, learning of other’s histories and ways.  We quietly visited museums making curious observations and tramped through zoos, state parks, natural trails, and historic places galore.  Pushing a weighed down double stroller, hauling cameras, sketch pads, and a diaper bag crammed with daily provisions: snacks, drinks, diapers and wipes, and change of clothes till the zipper threatened to burst, then ending at McDonald’s because that was their favorite.  I tucked them in every night.  Kissed their narrow brows and uttered a prayer for each.

This is what I did right.
The formula seemed full proof.
Divine.
Flawless.

However that was what blinded me to see what I did to cause pain and hurt.
There are reasons why: one of my kids has been having major issues with me for years and years before the divorce and we are only just now righting bits and pieces of our relationship, another walked out of my life and barely looked back for years before and following the divorce and only just in the last few months started coming around to having me in his life, after seven years has passed, another is stiff and awkward and struggles to deal with me, we have our good days and our bad, another stuck tight with me for a few years following the divorce and a few months ago stated they want little to nothing to do with me.

This one grabbed my attention.  This one shocked me awake.  Oh sure things have been ebbing away for awhile but still, I passed that off to so many other possibilities outside of myself.  I never expected that reaction.   This child opened my eyes to the reality that I had done some serious things somewhere, both in the distant past and in the not so distant past.  I may have been able to pass the first one off that walked out of my life to other things but not this one.  This one was so different in so many ways and yet the result was the same.

And this was yet another child…  Sure I was and had been doing things different in so many ways and esp. with the second four and things were healthier but OMG I didn’t dare close my eyes to what was happening.  What if I was still doing whatever I was doing to create this rift?  Or even parts of it???  If I didn’t discover what I had done I was bound to lose them all.

I had to face issues that were my fault with these four kids.  I have hurt my children.  That much is for sure.  And I must take responsibility for the harm I have caused if for no other reason then they deserve that much from me.

I really need to pick this up tomorrow.  I need to re-work the second half even more than I already have.  It’s already 2:19 a.m.  So, sorry about that didn’t intend to split this but it’s a lot and as I write I am working things out in my mind in new ways.  So this is goodnight.  Till tomorrow.
Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-I do not like this title, I’ll have to think about it and rename it tomorrow…

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