From House Wife To Film Maker

So, finally to the second half of the post “Getting real about my kids and how I’ve screwed up”…

I have hurt my children.  That much is for sure.  And I must take responsibility for the harm I’ve caused.  That’s what this post is about.  Carrying what is mine.   For two reason: to be honest with you as I stated in the prior post and since I’ve found myself here to dig more and unearth the pain that’s in their hearts that they let me know a little of.

I desperately want to right the wrongs with them, this is a step among others that I’ve lovingly and cautiously taken.  As I heal.  As I see my part.  As I work it out with my life couch I do what I can.  Things are improving but we got here somehow and this is what I see of the how spilled out in no particular order: 

While they grew I was too caught in religion, thinking that held the path to happiness:  Follow the “rules” and you will reap the rewards: Happiness, peace, love, joy, family unity, a solid marriage…

In order to keep our lives “pure” many things for many years were struck from being allowed because they weren’t “Biblically acceptable”… video games, certain reading genre, TV,  then when TV was permitted certain children’s TV shows, current clothes trends, music, interaction with non-christians…

If they desired these things I inadvertently made them wrong.  Their interests, curiosities, and thoughts were made wrong by saying: we shouldn’t think this way, or want those things because they weren’t Biblically acceptable.  Do this.  Do that.  Think this.  Think that.  Don’t do that.  Don’t think that.  WRONG. Ungodly.

They must have felt condemned.  I’m sure they did.  Condemned by their own mother.  And then they must have felt odd.  Odd because we didn’t do “those things” and then we home schooled. (we HS in the day when we had to define it for everyone and assure them, “Yes, it’s legal”.)  They were oddly different from what they saw around them in the world.  Marking them like the Star of David on the sleeve of a Jew.

I stayed with their father.  I should have left.  He was unfaithful.  Indifferent towards me.  Stoic.  But religion, fear, and my image kept me right there with him.  Divorce was WRONG.  A SIN.  I stayed.  I chaffed.  I screamed.  I yelled.  I hurt.  I cried behind closed doors.  How awful for a child to hear their mom cry behind a door.  Unreachable.   Hidden.

They learned to hide.  To pretend.  To live a lie.  To accept a lie.  To lie.

Their father and I bickered.  We argued.  I would rage against him, protesting, insisting to be seen, heard, cared for.  We were miles apart.  But when we were in public who would have ever known?

They learned smoldering hidden hate.  They learned to live a life of lies and put on a show for the world.  To hide the truth.
You learned love hurts.  Love hates.  You tolerate the one you love.  Love is two people living together like, sort of friends.  I taught them to except less.  To be arguementative.  That a marriage doesn’t equal happiness and love.  Certainly no touching or hugging.  But an endless churning of Ground Hog days.

BUT You HEARD me tell you how everything was supposed to be creamy sweet in marriage.  You heard, “We need to respect your father.”  “Marriage is Biblical.  It’s forever.  It gives you your protection…”  “We need to honor the Word of God and obey those commands.”  Read our Bibles.  Memorize Bible verses.  Go to church whenever the doors are open.  Pray…

They HEARD me say I was happy to them and others.
They learned I was a lier.
I lie.
I lied.
Lying is okay.

They watched me lie.  They watched me flirt with other men to get attention sorely lacking at home.  Lie and manipulate their father to get our simple needs met and then to get the things they  wanted to a man who held/holds money with a death grip.

I looked to them for my self-worth.  If they were making it.  Doing great.  Happy.  Successful.  Well behaved… Then I was doing/did a good job with my kids.  Then I had worth.  I had value.  I was a success with my life proving that the words of my parents, “You’ll never make anything of yourself, you a worthless good for nothing.”  “You’re too self-ish and self-centered to ever have children and be a good mother…”  Was not true.

Then I divorced their dad.  I tore apart all I had taught and promoted.  I destroyed it.  Then I dumped years of venom and pent up “stuff” I carried toward their father onto some of them and expected them to suddenly except it.  Agree.  Echo me.  I shouted how ill a system marriage is.  How wrong men are toward woman.  How woman needed to have their own lives inside marriage.  Not be in a marriage unloved…  I reversed every engine and expected them to be able to bear and except it.  Expected them to stay with me.  Tight like we had always been.  
I was a fool…

To my children publicly I say, again, I’m so very sorry.  Please forgive me.  I’m here ready to listen.  Please tell me all I did to hurt you.  I was wrong in so many ways.   Tell me and I’ll say nothing.  Not a word.  No justifying.  No trying to show you or imply you carry some of the blame.  You deserve the right to do this.  You deserve the right to spill out every hurt and pain that you carry because of me without being condemned and/or me justifying myself.  You need to free yourself of all you suppress from the hurt that I caused you.  This will go beyond the apologizes.  This will penetrate your soul.  BLAMe me and set yourself free.

Night,
Theresa Jane

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