From House Wife To Film Maker

After posting I’ve decided to add this story.  It happened yesterday.  Since I was on the topic of detecting and overcoming worthlessness I thought I really should begin to include stories regarding this matter.  That will show my struggle.  Show the difficulty I’m having healing a relationship with a child I have hurt and may assist you if you’re in the same boat…

Overcoming worthlessness is a journey.
I’m on it, with my eye on the prize.
I want to heal me.
I want to do what I can to assist healing for what I’ve caused in my children’s lives…

So here goes… a story of when I sort of won in the battle against worthlessness and really almost not at all…

My adult child that wants little to nothing to do with me, much to my complete surprise, showed up in the same small shop that I was in.  I was ignored.  Others, that we both knew, were spoken to with niceness– with me a few feet away.  Then I was approached and asked, “What are you doing here?”  With a slight edge that implied I was purposefully intruding and had no right to be there.  Startled I said, “I have things I need to do.”  Then, feeling rather blank I reached for all I could think of and tried to be chipper/silly and said, “What are you doing here?”  I was given a look of puzzled disgust and a very short mumbled sentence I couldn’t make out.  Then I was left, for the “other” people, in another area.

I began to slip that mask on the moment she walked in and ignored me.
Shame.
Humiliation swept in with WORTHLESS on their heels.
I felt the age old feeling, that until recently couldn’t have formed into words: worthless.
Followed by: Worthless people don’t have their children love them…
Tears sprung to my eyes.  I blinked them back.  I tried everything I could to balance myself.  To distract myself.  Tell myself that I caused this.  That I need to be loving.  Keep my distance.  This may aid the situation.  It may create some healing… Just take care of my business and not let this get to me.  But that mask settled on all the more in spite of my efforts.  I was looking down, unable to hold my head up.  I felt anger at myself.  Anger that I created this.  That I did things to deserve this.  The very thing I swore I would never, ever do to any of my children.  The tears threatened to overflow my eye lids and the breath in my body ceased.

After “they” left through the heavy glassed door and disappeared into the night all I could think was: the worst part is that one of the things this child can’t stand the most about me is that I’ve functioned from the place of worthlessness and messed my life up.  They don’t want me poisoning them with my mentality.  And the entire time I battled that very thing…

The only reason I can say that I sort of won was I really applied myself to coming out of the depression that worthlessness sweeps over the person it torments.  I made myself smile.  I talked to my friend rather than just leaving.  I called my friend after I left to continue in conversation in order to not sink any lower.  After I kept reminding myself I created this, I can uncreate it.  All is not lost we have good days.  This is just a bad one.  It’ll pass.  Maybe the next will be good.  I have value.  I have worth…  Maybe this one will get to where they can really let me know what has hurt them and do what John and I are calling Blamming.  Now that I know will help.

Night again, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-tick,tick,tick goes the clock, it’s 2:39 a.m. good night I was going to get to bed early…

Tags: child, children, overcoming worthlessness

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