From House Wife To Film Maker

Continued…

Who knew that the project/business John1 and I started in August was going to go in the direction it has?  Not me.  Not him.  This is truly an organic process.  We followed a white rabbit and the hole keeps getting deeper, a little unnerving even, but we’re determined to keep up…

Here’s the end at the beginning…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3dcbzTwu7Y&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

So why did I do this?  !BLAM! my parents.  Here’s a little history to get to you there.  Sorry it’s so long.  But how do you condense 21 years any tighter?  Beats me, because I tried.  Spent about 2 1/2 hours getting it to where it is…

I have mentioned that the home I grew up in was a violent, scary place.  A war zone where I was robbed of any real childhood.  With a decision, initiated by my ex, we cut my parents out of our lives and asked that they respect us in this decision.

For 19 or so years we had nothing to do with them. (there’s a little more but I decided to cut it for space, basically my mother forced phone calls on me several years ago.  She called every few months.  When I took the call they were tense.  She was controlling.  Nosy…  I was reminded, “She is my mother…”)

About two and a half years ago, after years of work on my healing, I flew home to see my parents for the first time in about 22 years, to seek peace.  This I initiated.

Within minutes I nearly walked out on them because my mother said, “I don’t appreciate you not coming to our home and having to come to your aunts house.  I haven’t been in your aunts house in years,” she said scanning the house disgusted, “and here we are now because you won’t come to our house blah, blah, blah… I don’t even recognize you.  You don’t even look like yourself…”

My step-father said very upbeat, “Oh she looks just like Theresa.”
She glared at him.
It took all my healing not to end everything right there.  It was only my determination that this part of my life needed peace if from nowhere else but on my part.  So I stayed.  I told them I wasn’t there to make them wrong about the past, but I felt we needed to be honest and at least acknowledge that there has been a reason why they were cut out of our lives 21 years ago.  I was brief, but blunt…  Then I added we had no family to speak of.  Therefore no foundation to build from.  We needed to build a foundation.  That was what I wanted.  Not pretend that there was more than there was… let’s form a friendship. Go from there.

I apologized for how difficult I had been in my teens and asked them to forgive me.  My step-father broke down and cried.  This I only saw once, maybe twice before.  He said, “Of course I forgive you.”  Then his tears flowed, “I only hope you can forgive me.  I was awful.  Absolutely horrible to you.  I made a mess of everything and was terrible to everyone.  It was all my fault.”

I was amazed.  This was a basically a first.  I started to cry and told him I forgave him and it wasn’t all his fault.  My mother sat there.

I didn’t press her.  I started talking saying how we each played our role in the past…  she expressed disgusted I had been so forgiving to “him” when he had ruined her and her children’s life.  I pointed out that dad wasn’t the only problem.  She hadn’t been a silent lamb.  She was just as bad… she said, “I know, I was a terrible mother and cried.  Now, this is what my mother had always said.  It’s all she’s ever said.  And you have to hear her to get what I am saying… her sincerity is sadly lacking.  It’s like she’s forced to say something.  Like she wants pity.  She never says she did a thing to cause hurt or pain.  She was always a victim…I just want to hurt her, make her wrong…

Since the meeting a little changed.  In the beginning.  Shortly there after she started back to where we she was with me when we were on the phone…constantly reminding me I’m her daughter, she’s my mother, those are her grandchildren…  She gets testy, pushy, insulting, probing, wants me to live her way, I need to get back with my ex, the divorce upsets her so, am I seeing the children, it’s important that I do, if so when, “That’s all? How come not more…”, (for new readers, my children live with their dad, I see/have my children with me 4-6 days a week I have three right now, Caleb’s been with me since Thursday.) everything is about her…  I rub my temples.  I do all I can to be nice.  Ignore.  Not attack.  At times I’m direct.  Others we bicker.  She can get my father on the phone to “protect her from me”.  I was wearing thin to the bone.  I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to talk with her anymore.

Then John1 suggested I try !Blam!ming them.  I had my doubts that it would work.  She never wants to listen.  She’s always defending.  Insulting.  Talking over me.  Accusing me of not letting the past go… and “John look what I had already done…”

But I decided that the business/project John1 and I were in had taken us here for more reasons then we had seen.  I needed this.  I had tried everything to gain peace.  To be respected.  To have peace.  To really heal inside when it came to my parents and well, it didn’t seem to be working most esp. with my mother.  I decided to try.  The above video is the super condensed version of me !BLAM!ming my parents.  When I first posted it it was at the bottom.  I re-thought it and decided it needs to be right there at the top, then give the history that accompanies it.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-long, I know, but it’s Sunday, even the paper is bigger, and I really couldn’t figure out where to split this. If you know what I could have said…it would take a book.  Oh yeah, I’m writing one!    (Also: John1 is so named because I have son named John and he works with us.  So John1 and John2:my son)

Tags: bad childhood, blam, blam your parents, Blamming, healing, parents, peace

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