TwitterDec 21 2009
My thoughts since the !BLAM!ming of my parents. . .
Quick note, my parents weren’t aware that I was going to be calling and !BLAM!ming. That was a “cold call”. They also didn’t know that we were filming. (re-posted video at bottom)
Thoughts since the !BLAM!…
A great metaphor for the forgotten child.
!BLAM!ming my parents was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I feel so different inside. I’m experiencing transformation daily. I let my parents know that I was a forgotten child in all their violence, drama, and destruction. And I did it calmly. No screaming, no yelling, no my parents yelling back… I let them know in a controlled, clear adult manner that what they did effected me. That I’ve never stood up and said. I had always basically summarized: “You and dad were terrible. You were out of control…” This time I let them know what they did hurt. How I felt. How I was effected. That I remember what they did to each other and me. It was REAL. It happened. It destroyed me. I’m tired of it not being acknowledge and them expecting me to just go on as if, to quote my mother, “We were just a family who had problems”. Good God, it was more than that.
I grew up in that mess. I was a child. I had to find a way to survive. Through my private sessions with my couch/therapist… I discovered that I never came out of survivor mode. Possibly the best way to describe it would be to say, I functioned like a vet who suffers with post war trama: flashbacks/jumpy/edgy/suspicious/on alert/ready to protect and defend…
Not me. Just a great pic for here
I have lived on “survive mode” since I was a child. It has only been until the last 7-8 months that I can say I am finally, really, really coming out of that state. Out of the “training” I went through at home, when I grew up and my brain was forming. The way I processed life, my psychological state of being, formed and letting that go and even seeing some of it was a very difficult thing to do. A very tough row to hoe. Those ways of being were what allowed me to survive what I lived through.
Letting go took two things: A committed couch who wouldn’t give me any way out and my unwavering commitment… leaving appointments with swollen red eyes or swearing a sailors stream of cus when it came to the session I just left, “what did that son of a bitch know about anything…”
Since leaving home I have searched for my healing. Tried many things. So I could live normally. Feel normally. Like other people. It wasn’t until 6 years 
ago this January 2nd that I really found the source of my healing. That’s when I found my life couch and he had a system (birthed from the book he had been writing: Red Book and Cotton) and through it I found the way out. However it’s taken a lot of work and it wasn’t until the last 7-8 months that I can I say I have had the earth shattering break throughs that could allow me to say, “Now I’m really starting to live my own life. I feel it. I see it. The lingering effects are falling off in chunks… finally.”
That’s not to say that through the years I haven’t seen major changes in my life, emotions, reactions, how I deal with life around me. It’s just to say that all that work finally added up to the “Wow” I see and feel in me today. And the !BLAM! rocketed me.
I know I’m not done. I have more work to do. And I will, “Sell all I have in search of the pearl of great value”…that being my wholeness. I have to be whole. I have to feel like a confident adult who has value and worth. I have to be happy from the inside and not from what happens on the outside to “make” me happy… So I’m not stopping…
Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-if you are clueless about what I’m talking about when it comes to what I did when I !BLAM!med…
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3dcbzTwu7Y&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
