From House Wife To Film Maker

TONIGHT, MY PARENTS REACTION TO THE !BLAM!ming.
But first…
The feasting of Christmas is fading and there’s a stillness settling over me as I sit and converse with you.  It’s quiet here.  Grace is to my left, on my couch tucked under her new pink Snuggie playing with her new IPod Touch and Zach, is in front of me, on the floor with the Presto Heat Dish feet from him, Facebooking on my lap top.  The only light streams from computer screens and green and amber Christmas lights strung around door frames and over the mantle.  Lights strung by Daniel and I weeks ago… now a sweet memory pressed into the scrapbook of my mind.  All is calm. . . all is bright. . .

Starting around 5 this afternoon Zach, Grace and I enjoyed a double feature from the Stephen King movies I gave Zach for Christmas.  He wanted two and I got him four more so we have a mini stack to make our way through.  Thus far we watched Carrie and Needful Things.  Both were good.  Needful Things had a brilliant plot.  But without a doubt Carrie was the one that captured me.

I couldn’t help but notice how much Carrie’s life was adversely effected by her mother.  How sick and twisted up her mother was, obviously as a result of her childhood.  And as Zach said, “She was over the top even for those that are over the top with religion.”  True.  True.  It’s possible Stephen King was reaching for exaggeration for a reason.  To place a mirror and reflect back a message: do you see any of this in you????????  Because if you do you best do something you’re killing both yourself and your child/ren…

How apropos that I viewed this film tonight.  For this is the night I planned to tell you:
MY PARENTS REACTION TO THE !BLAM!ming…

RESULTS:
They haven’t called me.
I did receive a Christmas card.  By the post mark, my mother sent it the day after the !BLAM!.  The first thing I noticed was…no check.  Christmas is when I get a “gift” from them, there’s been a couple on my b-day, but always Christmas.  She’s been sending one for the last 7 years, ever since she began forcing calls on me.

So…
Strike 1, I’m being punished: no check.  I’m not “good”.

Strike 2.
The added note:
“Theresa, My prayer request is that the barrier that has been built over the years between you and I will be brought down in 2010 by the Lord“.  Love you from the bottom of my heart, my dear Theresa, Love always, Mom.”

NOTICE:
No remorse.  Or regrets.  Also notice the exclusion of my step-father.  Frankly she’s ignoring this whole matter by summarizing it to “a barrier being built between you and I”, not us.  Implying I have a problem with her.

MY RAW RESPONSE as I reacted in my kitchen:

She’s so insulting.  She’s saying, here let me let you know I don’t care a about you, or what you had to say, that I’m punishing you, and let me end it with the whole love part.  Like the times when I was a child and you beat the crap out of me and yelled at me forever and when you were finally done I had to hug and kiss you because you only did what you did because you loved me.

Am I stupid?  Ignorant?  Do I, as you always told me, “only use my head for a hat rack?”  Thereby making me unable to see what you’re doing?  What’s going on…”

Over and over I repeated, “The barrier that has been built over the years… the barrier that has been built over the years”…
“You didn’t hear a thing I said.
“You weren’t wrong were you mother?
“Bitch.
“You’re such a bitch.
“No, ‘I’m so sorry I was awful.’  ‘So sorry you lived your childhood terrified.’  ‘Sorry for how I treated you as a child.’   Or even a lame, ‘I’m sorry you feel I hurt you.’  Let alone, ‘How could you ever forgive me?’ No.  None of that.  That’s sadly lacking.

“Just…’There has been a barrier built between me and you.’  Decode: I’m not responsible.  You’re  responsible Theresa.  Mother, you’ve cleverly cloaked what you always say.  Don’t you often say, “All I ever want to do is hurt you.”  Even if it’s something like, I don’t buckle under and act like a child and answer your questions  fully?  That I should because, “You’re my mother.”  And if I don’t, I want to hurt you.  Exercise my adultness and I’m hurting you.

“Oh and hey mom, the, “brought down in 2010 by the Lord” bit… hiding behind your religion again I see.  I caught that btw.  You want the Lord to sweep in and fix this whole thing for you.  Why???  Because you’re innocent you have nothing you need to do.  You weren’t wrong.  Never did a thing.  It was all dad’s fault… Hummmm, then all those years that grandma said, ‘You’ve got to stop doing what you’re doing to Theresa or you’re going to lose her,’ was just ridiculous.  She obviously missed that I, and your husband, were where all the problems came from.”

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-tomorrow… oh there’s more…something else happened

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