From House Wife To Film Maker

I’m halting going forward with my story of the last few days for a minute, because a concerned, loving reader/friend made a comment to yesterday’s post and I concluded that if she’s wondering “this” others are as well…

Her thought:
…”I hope that this is really helping you, but to me it sounds like it is causing you more pain. You have suffered enough.”

My answer:
Well, there is pain.  I won’t deny that.  However this “pain” is no worse, but actually easier, than the years and years of pain and distress I have been living with and gone through with my parents.  I had been expected to allow the ill treatment from years past to be left to me as a burden to carry and for them to ignore the effects I lived with.  When my “ex” and I cut them off from our family my mother said then and still to this day, and I quote, “Other families have had their problems but they don’t cut their parents out of their lives.”  That statement alone is completely insulting and degrading.  It showed her lack of remorse or interest in taking responsibility with what was hers and making any changes.  (And btw they never changed, I just grew up and left)  Plus all my life my mother has continued with her psychological, mind, twisting that she did to me all through my childhood (and my brother and my step-father).  That treatment has carried tremendous, far reaching, ill effects to me that I, to some degree, still deal with and requires healing.  Some I never saw until I !BLAM!med them…

“This process” is taking me somewhere new and fresh.  This is bringing healing and allowing me to come out of past issues, most especially my worthlessness.  I have so wanted to come out of that for most my life and now I am.  I’m finally standing on my own two feet and holding my position and insisting that things change.  (And again, this is really much more my mother’s issue than my step-father, he is not the man I knew growing up.  And I have to say it amazes me.)  Whether any of this has an effecting change with my parents or not is up to them, I can’t take responsibility for them.  But wherein it lies with me…I’m finally removing the chains that I have carried for most my life.  As in the movie, The Christmas Carol, the chains on Bob Marley, as he said, were forged in his earthly life.  He carried them when he was in the flesh, he just didn’t see them, he didn’t have the eyes to see them.  But when he died he did and then he was shackled to them, doomed to carry them all through eternity with no hope.  So bad was the situation he came to Scrooge and urged him to not allow this to happen to him.  Urged him to “go through the pain” that the three ghosts would bring to him knowing it would assist him to have “eyes to see” his chains so he could remove them while he had a chance.

It was painful for Scrooge to go through the experiences with the ghosts, to see how he had actually become, to see why and how– interestingly he had a painful, condemning, childhood– and then to see what he did hurt others including his sister’s son whom he loved so dearly.   But he stuck with the “painful process” and in the end he was set free, a new man able to enjoy his life and those around him.

The same is happening with me.  Literally.  I’ve already shared a literal experience where it was exactly like the Ghost of Christmas past taking me back in time, (click here for post) and there has been more that I haven’t shared.  Through this process I’m reliving and remembering things with new eyes.  The purple haze is lifting and I’m removing my chains.

This “pain” is worth it.

Thank you for your obvious love and concern,
Theresa Jane
-tomorrow I’ll pick up where I left off…

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