From House Wife To Film Maker

CONTINUED from yesterday . . .

That was last weeks appointment.  
From then till now other “boxes” have opened.  One contained the demon “Unforgiving.” It was a shocking but irrefutably true fact.  I can be mercilessly unforgiving.  When I saw it for what it was I was shaken to my core.

Then there was this other “box.”  I knew it was there.  I sensed something holding me back.  And I knew it was inside “that Pandora Box right there”.  “That” box remained especially impenetrable…  
I paced around it trying to figure how to open it.  Asked for help in my prayers.  Asked for dreams.  However it stayed shut till last night when a Stephen King movie, “Dolorous Claiborn”, rose up and axed it open… releasing an ugly, ferocious demon that came flying out and haunted me.
I didn’t sleep well all night.
I was facing “it”.  Staring at “it”.  Trying to see “it” clear.  Finally it did just that, became clear.  This “demon” was… “Mother hate”.

“No,” I said to myself, “that’s not so…”
Oh, I knew I hated things she had done or not done.  
I knew hate for her came when she’d hurt me but it had left…
Hate her?  Like constantly?  
Like cold blooded, raw, ugly, hate her?  
How could that be?  No one hates their mother… 
I didn’t hate my mother…
But then…there “it” was hovering over me.  Refusing to leave.  So I stopped judging and just looked at it.  Flash backs and things I said and felt flew across the pages of my mind.  Things she had done or refused to do anything about crawled out of my memories and pieced themselves together so accurately that I finally had to really admit, that things I had refused to allow myself to dwell on in the past had been true.  But although I hadn’t “allowed” it, I had boxed it up into a Pandora Box and shoved it into the depths.  So I knew.  I carried it with me.  Inside.  Then I allowed myself to really FEEL the truths I had avoided.  Feelings and knowledge I had shut down so very long ago blended and collided, the demon keep shrieking, and I finally had to admit it was true.
No argument…

I do.  I hate my mother.

I have been hating her a long time…
I really hate her.
There’s was so much that transpired on her end.  So much more than was shared in my video.  That I built shear hate for HER and didn’t even realize it.

Through burning tears I shared the memories, the truths, and the hate I have for her with John1 and he said, “Well, finally.  You finally admit that you hate your mother.  Now that you see it you can heal it and move on with your life.”
I was surprised that he had so clearly seen it and I hadn’t.  But that is how it is, others see what we can’t or refuse to see…

The other thing he said was, “What concerns me is you.  Your mother is living her life just fine.  Perfectly okay.  But not you.  You’re still complaining about what happened to you.  And most of all you’re afraid of your mother and she still keeps you in her clutches and controls you.”

Shocking but true.  A truth that got my attention.

John1 made another video.  He showed me it yesterday.  I know it played a major role in opening that “hate box”.  It prepared me for the SK movie I watched later that night.  It’s in the theme of the fear I still carry for my mother.  He says it moves him.  He wants me to be free.  He wants others to see it so that they might see themselves and free themselves also.

I’m going to close here and then put in the video, so…
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-tomorrow…So where do I go from here??

Here’s the video, it’s called: 45 Years Old and Still Afraid of Her Mother’s voICE:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSE6kNGUv_g&hl=en_US&fs=1&]

Tags: hate, hate my mother, unforgiveness

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