TwitterJan 19 2010
Doing what the King’s Horses and King’s Men Couldn’t Do . . . Own my S***
CONTINUED From yesterday:
Yesterday I left off saying that today I would share how I responded when my adult child/ren wanted me to respond to their mini !BLAM!s.
Here’s how I went about it:
- NEVER said they were wrong in any way.
- I humbly and respectfully participated, thankful for the opportunity to have some healing taking place (even though at the time it was not easy to see. This was something I had to know and trust.)
- I would cull out specific points to agree with and apologized for each error.
- I would take their specific points and detail how they were correct. By stating how I could see their point because I have done this or that, in this way or that way. Then I would reference one or two specific times that I remember that I had done what they had mentioned.
- I kept things BRIEF.
- I paid close attention to their body language to judge if I was being open and honest enough.*
- Didn’t take advantage of the moment to extend it any longer than “they” wanted. When they were done, I was done. When “they” had had enough “they” always told me.
*What did I mean when I said I paid close attention to their body language…
This process was tough at times. I’m not going sit here and lie to you and say I waved my hand and said, “Ah it was easy smeesie seeing and admitting all I did wrong. No problem…”
Because it wasn’t.
This was all on the fly mind you. When I sat down with my child to have them !BLAM! me I had no idea what was going to come out. But believe me all kinds of things came pouring out. Some in buckets and some in drops depending on how much they were willing to open up each time. But either way “stuff” came out all right and if they wanted a response from me I was on “borrowed” time let me tell you. There wasn’t any tolerance to me hiding my stuff or excuses of the mildest of form or any denial said or unsaid. I had to be quick about it. Quick to see my “stuff” that they pointed out and quick to own it whether I wanted to or not.
There were times when I was hesitating to really own something or I was admitting something that I knew was true but I was doing so in a coated manner. I knew that it wasn’t going over by their:
- expressions or,
- how they shifted or sighed or,
- they would out right tell me
When any of those three happened it was a VERY delicate moment.
This was where I could make or break the moment with them.
This was when I had to shake myself and go for more honesty and really look at myself deeper. So I had to swallow hard and press forward and say, “You know I wasn’t as honest as I could have been there, let me back up.” Then fill in the needed information. There were times, at the first attempts when I wasn’t so sensitive or open or willing to be seen as so wrong (which I was, it’s just owning it was tough) without mildly pointing out what they had done or that some thing they said wasn’t quite right and that ended it right there. We were said, done, and over.
They were disgusted and moving on past me. This was not good. It felt terrible and I went off alone and cried. Disgusted at myself for not being honest enough. Not hearing what “they” were telling me and owning my “s***”.
More on this tomorrow…
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
Hey what’s up? I always see you in the other blog so I thought I would check yours out.
The Kid has never procreated, I always thought the responsibility would be to much. I have always found it strange in life that there is such a branding that goes on no matter what you choose to do in that regard. I have always felt that one would be much better off making a decision right for them, and not what’s expected for them. I wonder how many people do have kids just because they think it’s the right thing to do, would love to hear your thoughts.
To respond to your post more directly, I think the effort you made is outstanding. The Kid grew up never knowing my parents, raised in foster homes, always looking at famalies and the family experience from the outside in. I was fascinated by the dynamic and still am to this day. What is always strange to me is the amount of dishonesty that goes on. I guess not having a family I always thought it would be like you see on TV but in real life this seems to rarely be true. The fact that you have made the effort to open up more doors of communication with them and try to be even more honest is beyond what should be expected. If they aren’t feeling where you are coming from after all that, well so be it love. Sometimes I have sen kids draw those things out just to have an advantage over a parental figure. Not saying this is the case here, but just saying. No one is perfect, and from what I have read I think your effort was fabulous.
Thank you for your response! I want you to know that I’m not ignoring you, it’s just that I have had one full day and my computer is acting up stalling constantly. Took forever to do anything on it today. And I don’t even want to talk about how long it took to get my post out there. After she rests tonight she should be up and working just great tomorrow.
Get comment BTW!
Theresa Jane
Hello there,
Thanks for commenting on my blog. Oh and btw the “other” blog was mine. Really this one, is that one, the only difference is that I can now say my addy is: http://www.fromhousewifetofilmmaker.com instead of putting .wordpress.com after my blog’s name. I need to make sure everyone understands that…
So nice to meet you
Thank you for being open with your life and sharing with me. And I, like you, also wonder how many people have children because it seems like the right thing to do, or their parents want grandchildren. It’s likely that there are a good many children born for these reasons. Which only increases the chances of their children suffering some ill effects from those types of decisions whether they are conscious of it or not.
You know it’s funny. Raising children is a tough task. I’ve read in books and sat in psychology classes and heard that basically when you boil the fat out of it raising children is hard no matter what and as I read someone’s post on my Facebook wall, that had just come out of a psych class, “it seems if you walk the wrong way you’re going to screw your kid up.” There is a lot of truth to that. Even the best, most perfect parent will have their struggles and challenges and manage some how to hurt their child and it may very likely be deeply. So what matters is how we, the parent RESPOND. We must validate their pain. We must allow them to release. Otherwise suffer the effects from them.
So therefore, what you took a lot of your life coming to see, is true. All families have problems, big and small. You can search the world over and you won’t find a one that doesn’t have something that’s not right. Although I do wish that you had had a family to grow up in, one with it’s own “problems”
And your point about the DISHONESTY is a powerful one. One not to be brushed over. Because frankly this, in my opinion, it’s the root source of all issues. And honesty is what we should expect from each other. If we did and if we each bore our own honesty and deal that way, most if not all issues could be dealt with and a whole lot more peace would be attained. It’s only when I began to be honest within myself and then with others have I experienced the healing, freedom, and love that I have. My goal is strive for more so I can have more of it all. I have a series of posts on my learning to be honest and coming out of lying, if you haven’t read them already.
Thank you for your comments I’m looking forward to our sharing more.
Theresa Jane