TwitterMar 01 2010
Zac’s kidney ultrasound and kidney tissue loss . . .
Today.
Another appointment for Zac. With his Urologist. I like this guy. He’s great. He takes no flak, is direct if necessary, and yet gentle and compassionate with Zac. At any rate the ultra sound was performed and were set into our little exam room to wait. First we discussed how terrible the color choice for the walls was: grey, with one sky blue wall, and a single butterfly painted on one of the ceiling tiles, we assumed as a disparaging after thought reaching for cheerfulness? Then I flipped through the pile of cast off magazines and located a Martha Stewart Living Magazine, she’s one of my favorite business woman, and began flipping through. To my surprise the glossy pages grabbed Zac’s attention. I expect it was the colorful pictures of food. Food remember is one of those very restricted items in his life so I think he was scanning for new choices. He often said, “I can have that can’t I?” I was able to absorb one of the recipes to memory and with a few minor tweaks I’ll be able to “duplicate” it for him.
Slowly we went through the magazine looking at everything with the detail I would if I was at home with my feet propped up on my couch, when the doctor entered the room. White lab coat all buttoned up and a Mickey Mouse tie poking out above. He had seen the results of the ultrasound and although he was very happy to see one of the most crucial blood levels go down remarkably since two weeks ago, he still had that drawn look of concern….
With Zac having two weeks of the implanted catheter it took the pressure off the kidneys completely so they have been able to shrink. Allowing him a better look. Then his graven look expressed itself in words, “There’s more loss of kidney tissue then I once thought….What does this mean long term and Zac having some form of renal support is that it’s looking even more definite.”
Well chosen, gentle words and I knew it. Been in this hospital thing for 19 years now.
So I did the return of well chosen gentle words in the form of a question, “Let me ask a question. So by renal support you’re referring to dialysis?”
“Dialysis and kidney transplant, yes.”
“Are you able at this time to determine if his care will have to go to those lengths?”
“No. I can’t be absolutely certain. And certainly this is the kidney specialists area so let’s get his appointment on Wednesday with him and I’ll see Zac again soon….”
More conversation. More gentle proddings to Zac to keep up what he’s doing and, “Zac the good thing is your 15, the bad thing is that your aren’t 3 and don’t have your mother to make sure you cath on time. Every time. And do your bowels, every single night. It’s impossible for her or your dad to do this for you. This rests on you. And you haven’t any margin for error with the state and condition of your kidneys.”
He told us that Zac’s physical appearance looked much better then last time. And I told him how his diet is 100% fresh and I’m following the diet sheets as if God would strike me dead if I veered from them. Then he mentioned that that was very good and necessary and to keep that up. However his eating more now than he was, due his appetite being reduced from the kidney failure, only means that the kidneys will be under more stress. So now with a little more time they’ll be able to see just what the degree of the loss of kidney function is.
So the old rock and a hard spot, the catch 22, the damned if you do and damned if you don’t are at work.
Then we left. As we moved up the white sterile hallway toward the light at the end, from the wall of windows leading into the outside world, I was feeling surreal. Steadying myself from slipping into mother paranoia. Sort of mindlessly I said, “Zac. So whatever you do, miss a cath, not eat right, don’t take your supplements, fail to do your bowels will carry devastating results. But then whenever you do, eat right, take your supplements, cath on time, do your bowels will work to build your health. Wow you are on a minute by minute move by move crisis.” His response, “Why do you have to repeat what the doctor just said? I heard him. God.”
I was a bit ticked. But withheld my tickedness and without an annoyed voice said, “Let me be a mother for a minute will you? I’m not attacking. Not all up in your face. I’m a bit stunned and absorbing it. It’s my job to help you heal and my job to make sure you do what you’re supposed to do. So give me a minute to be a mom.” That’s where that ended.
Now I know this is a way Zac can be at times, but I also know he was dealing with his own realities. His own shock. His own fears. But dawgonnit why must kids do that?
The drive home was peaceful. Filled with positiveness and laughter. Even if my stomach felt like it was recovering from someone hitting me as hard as they could.
Then work. The old, way to make the money to pay the bills gig. Which I honestly totally forgot I needed to go to till suddenly it occurred to me! I made it just in time.
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
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I suppose this taps into my own emotions of the situation, being his brother. I did get teary eyed, but I am encouraged knowing he’s doing as Dr.John is suggesting and taking care of himself to preserve his health.
And the way you wrote this, wow, It’s real it’s raw, it’s refined and rounded, a incredibly tough pill to swallow but with all the edges polished enough to make it bearable. The way that you narrated this and laid it out, all I have to say is; Jesus you’re a good writer
Of course I don’t know Zac. I only know that when I was 15, I wanted to make all my own decisions, despite not being prepared to do so. There is a built-in conflict between mothers and teen-aged sons I think. We males feel the need to BE men, and be regarded as men, even before we are qualified to be them (except in a basic biological sense). It’s the illogic of our testosterone doing the talking. I think you are managing a delicate balance pretty well.
Thank you very much.
Theresa Jane
-also known as “mom”
Well that makes sense. I can get my brain wrapped around that. Thank you it helped.
Theresa Jane
He heard what the doctor said from you the second time, but he knows it’s serious and when you are telling him again, it puts more weight onto his shoulders. He was just absorbing it and when you said it a second time it was like such a weighty responsibility for a 15 yr old to hear it once, nevermind a second time.
I know remembering when I was a child, hearing something a second time especially if it was crucially important, grated on me. It made me feel like she didn’t trust me, as if I wasn’t paying attention to such important things.
In short, he’s had to grow up fast, becoming an adult, that’s why he’s trying to take his health in his own hands – you may do things for him but he knows if you don’t, he has to. When you tell him things over again, you’re treating him like a child, and he doesn’t feel like a child any more.
True, true.
Theresa Jane