TwitterMar 08 2010
My Ex husband . . .
There are days. And then there are days. Today there was a day. Really, to be exact, a couple hours in the evening.
Being divorced with 8 kids tends to force a lot of contact with ones ex. And if said “ex” is shall we say, difficult well then things can get difficult. In the last few months he’s been becoming “difficult”. Why? <Shrug>
I thought to myself tonight, more than I have in a while, about how to consul my children about marriage. It really is a matter of grave importance. One that they shouldn’t take lightly. And then I wonder if a word I say will alert them to take the entire matter of marriage very seriously. Slow down. REALLY get to know the other person. Spend time T A L K I N G about everything important. If there are major areas that concern them…run. Don’t glaze them over and ignore them. If a marriage ends it’s not over with that person. It’s a lot longer that you’ll have to live with your decision to marry if there are children involved.
I saw a movie with the line, “You can know the end from the beginning.” Good Lord is that true… Before marriage I ignored. I looked the other way. I painted sandcastles in the sky and wrapped glittery, white picket fences around way too much with my ex. Then followed…Regret. Disappointment. Frustration. And 23 years later…divorce. The waves had washed away the sandcastles and wood rot destroyed the picket fence.
I still have 10 years to go before all my children will be grown. 10 years of finding new ways to cope with and deal with an ex who makes it his determination to spew venom. Be mean and hateful. Couch things in a manner where he makes me out to be this incredibly horrible, screwed up, person, who he, and I quote, “Would give anything if he never had to see me again”. And to this man I pledged myself in holy matrimony. To this man I poured everything into supporting. Assisting. Working so he got his college education. His moves up the ladder which included countless job transfers that required yet another move. I assisted and supported through 12 hour work days and travel. With a growing family, that we both felt should be home schooled. A man, who when he came home wasn’t interested in lifting much of a finger to help. But still I was supportive…
For what? Because today their is not thankfulness. Not a shred of it to be seen or heard and he earns the BIG bucks with the snappy job. What is his assistance to me?? Well..
All I can say is I’m learning to love and forgive when another individual cares nothing about returning either. Learning how to control myself. Have patience. Get my emotions under control. Let things roll off my back like a duck. Respond reasonably. Level headed. Unhyjacked. I’m growing. I’ve getting better at it and stronger. This is a way to better myself. Because if I can do it with him (and then my mom), I can do it with anyone. And I’m looking forward to the day when I can deal with him completely free of being bothered. When I experience True-Freedom. Inner freedom. And frankly I am beginning to see that day thanks to all my conscious work I’ve done and now with the new meditation CD, 7 Steps to True-Freedom, that John Solomon has created, I’ve been using for the last couple weeks, I’ve seen a surprising and amazing difference in me and dealing with him and my mom. It’s a tool that’s aiding me in ways that surprise even me.
Why do I do it?? Deal with him? For my kids. I love them. I want to stay plugged in as much as possible. I want to be a part of their lives as much as I can. With 8 it becomes a very sticky matter. And without a doubt I do not want to be a parent who only sees my kids every or every other weekend and has no input otherwise… The thought makes the air suck out of my lungs.
I’ve asked him about a 100 times for us to go to counseling because we have to find peace between us. But that’s ignored. Completely. So, on my own I will continue to seek ways to find and maintain peace. And right now that CD I mentioned is something that I’m leaning heavily on. It’s a source to give me what I say I want. Because when I heal, the world is healed.
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who otherwise had a terrific full afternoon with Grace. Enjoyed “Leap Year” at the Dollar Theater eating our way through a bucket of popcorn, then off to see Blessing’s apartment all set up with her things, then off to Dairy Queen to split a Reese Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard. A sweet time. A fun time. Then I was with John Mark doing a few hours of work on our business.
I learned an unexpected lesson in time of life contexts from being divorced, and then remarried. I had been very, very close to my first wife for five years before we married. You would think that qualified it, right?
Unfortunately, people tend to change a great deal in their younger years, and then less so as they age. We were too young, and as we changed we didn’t fit together any more. Our goals and interests grew apart. It was terribly tragic and unforeseen by both of us. We tried several counselors in earnest. Nothing worked. The bond drained through our fingers like sand. No one could have predicted it EXCEPT on the basis of our being too young, therefore still in flux.
When I remarried at 39, I had only known my wife for a few months before we moved in together. We married about 18 months into the relationship. She’s a few years older. We’ve had 16 smooth years together so far. We haven’t changed substantially at all, though we are better at working together because of practice. We were able to rely on remaining who we were when we met.
The only advice I could possibly give any young person is to wait, period, until your personality and values are set, and that it is rarely true before 25. What you care about today, you might not value tomorrow.
Good God man… how true.
Theresa