From House Wife To Film Maker

It’s 11:10 pm and every catchy idea I had for starting my blog has slipped into a deep crevice in my brain, rendering me void.
Blank.
Lost for words.  Why is it when I’m out running through life I come up with the best starters/topics for my blog?
In my shower…inspiration.
In my car…inspiration.
In a movie…inspiration.

Sit at my keyboard and I’m a vast ocean of blank.  What gives?  What’s the problem I ask myself as I drop my forehead onto my desk and roll it from side to side?

So, since I have nothing snappy to start with or expound on I’m just going to start…

You know life before Zac’s illness was heavy loaded.  But this added, and I have days where I feel like I’m on a tipping point.  Hanging on.  Days where I feel like a butterfly just landed on the dam that was about to break and those few ounces were too much and they caused the dam to implode.  It isn’t that Zac’s hard to care for.  It isn’t that he isn’t getting better.  Because he is.  It’s just the dailyness of it all.  The concern about the meals, assisting him to not forget to do what he must do: take supplements, cath, do bowels, eat right, picking him up from school everyday at 11:30 which splinters the day,  the appointments, the weight that everyday is crucial to his health continuing to improve.

Then there’s everything there was before with the business, my jobs, my kids…  Since all this began with Zac my ability to see the other children has dipped a lot.  My time can only be spread so thin…

Then I’ve been forgetting things  I didn’t before.  And I don’t mean small things.  I mean very big, how on this earth did I possibly forget that, things?  Which can drive me up the wall at times.  There are many times when balls are falling out of the air and bouncing around my feet and I’m racing to get them picked up.

Then there’s my mother.  Haven’t talked about her in awhile.  This is a topic that makes me hold my head.  Rub my temples.  And, at times, want to scream.
I want to fix the relationship with her and she seems hell bent on messing it up.  One night we made some real head way.  And right in the midst of me sincerely forgiving her because she had finally asked to be and finally admitted to how badly she was she jumped crazy, cuts me off, and got boiling red hot mad at me about something that I won’t believe her about because the evidence is to the ceiling.  She was angry, practically yelling and demanding that I believe her about this thing.  Right in the middle of my reconciling with her.  I had to hang up.

Then she violates one of the two things I told her never to do.  I only have given her two boundaries and she is incapable of adhering to either.  One I deal with.  I work with her on.  The other.  Not negotiable.  And she violated it.  I pointed it out to her.  Nicely.  But firmly letting her know it’s unacceptable and she’s crossing a dangerous line.  She took the mother stance, like I’m her kid and she has the right and informed me that she didn’t care.  She intends to continue.  That it’s her right.  She’s my mother.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I asked her if she understood the long term implications.  She did.  She spelled them out for me and let me know that it didn’t matter to her, she was going to continue this at her every opportunity.  Then she talked and talked over my every word refusing to listen.  I asked her to stop.  She wouldn’t.  I hung up.

On the upswing I’ve become a receipt saving, put it’s total onto a document manic.  My new system is working nicely.  I have one of those coupon holders in my truck and every receipt goes into it.   When I get home I’ve been entering them onto a document I created with headings: gas, food, medical…  I want to set up Quicken, which I’ve owned for a couple years  but only toyed with once.  Need to set aside a few hours.  Haven’t had that availability yet.  But I will.

All this money tracking is creating two things:
One:  making me aware of where it’s going.
Two:  building my confidence in knowing I’m organized.
Three: I’m relaxing a little about the bookkeeping end because I know that everything is neat and tidy.
Four:  Having just how little money I have waved in front of my face makes me paranoid to spend any.   I was rigid and careful with spending before.  Now I’m jumpy.  Tense.  Nervous.  This is the part that frustrates me.  But on the other end of the spectrum it is also creating within me the drive to create more.  To pray, envision, trust and believe that the jobs will come and my needs, and maybe a want of a movie or two, will be met…  I guess all this will even out soon and I’ll be a woman in charge.  Confident and glowing with money and bookkeeping success.

This is a change for me.  And change always brings with it fear and challenge.  But one day that evaporates and it’s just your life.  I’m anxiously awaiting that day.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who just realized that I didn’t post this last night and am just now doing it just as I fly out the door to pick up Zac from school

Tags: bookkeeping, saving receipts

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