From House Wife To Film Maker

Okay, I’m going to be painfully honest and tell you that this whole New Year’s resolution I’ve committed to to be peaceful and loving really started seven years ago.  When I began seeking healing from the past traumas of my life and my Life Coach pointed out, “The leading problem you’re having is with anger.  Anger is like a drug for you,  you’re addicted to anger and fighting.  You need a fight somewhere in your life.”  Eventually I came to see the truth of that that my need to fight isn’t due to other people doing stuff to supposedly “create” my anger, as I had always assumed, I am sadly, always “locked and loaded”.  Push that button, just nudge it I pulled the trigger either in a big or small way.

I had grown up in anger, used anger to cover pain and hurt, responded with its sharp edge to send a strong message to whoever might be coming across like they were attacking or hurting me in any way to let them know that they couldn’t hurt me.   It was my defense and boy was I defensive.

With over forty years of reinforcement this area of my life has presented me with nothing but a struggle to overcome. To some degree, in spite of the work I have done in and outside of sessions, I lacked sincerity in practicing the techniques I was being taught.   My sincerity went sorely lacking when I would get annoyed, upset, or felt threatened. Then I would throw my teaching straight out the window in a fervor of irritation proclaiming that I was ticked and that was that and I was going to be ticked.   I had every reason to be ticked/angry.  Afterward I would always regret it of course but then it was too late.

I’m far worse with some people than others.  My children and most outside people not so much.   Unfortunately the one I’m far worse with is my ex.   My couch told him he has the same problem, he’s addicted to arguing and with me.  So once we push each other’s buttons it’s like the bell at a boxing match, we’re both in the center of the ring, gloves up, dancing around waiting to see who takes the first swing so we can get our fix.

Through the years my couch would ask me how things were going with my fighting, arguing, and anger especially when it came to my ex and I would want to disappear into the seat.  I felt like a broken record.  Seriously you could press play on the recording, the answer was the same.  Over the years we’ve talked about it so much I’m just going to go ahead and say it, I got sick and tired of talking about it.  Even though we did talk about other things with the frequency that this came up it felt like there wasn’t anything else.  At times I would think, “Can’t we talk about something else for crying out loud?”

Then in this last year, to my surprise, I reached a point where I feared that I was never going to have real transformation to this problem.  Even though I had been able to overcome my addiction to smoking pot literally overnight I was finding this addiction to be like quitting cigarettes is to most people, impossible.  I became totally fearful that I was going to stay stuck in this mire forever.  But I didn’t say it out loud.  However one day to my surprise someone else did, someone I respect highly, in irritation they said, “I didn’t think you’re ever going to overcome your anger, this is going be an issue for you the rest of my life.”  Ouch. Sting. Burn. Not that they knew it but I cried over that and felt like a complete miserable failure in life and wanted to hide.

Even though I had been going around afraid that I was a hopeless case it took an outsider to speak the same thought to push me out of my self-pitying “stuckness”.  I squared my shoulders and decided that I didn’t have to accept that prediction for my life from anyone.  I have overcome so many things I can overcome this.  I can transform my anger into peace and love.

So began the challenge and that’s when little things started to happen.

More about that next time,
Love ya,
Theresa

Tags: addicted to anger, anger, love, peace

Trackback URI | Comments RSS