Both were equally important.  Without my changing we wouldn’t have moved forward very far, if at all.

I share this because I know that I’m not the only one with a relationship with a child/ren that is in mild to major need of help/repair.  I share because if you are there you need guidance and hope.  I also share for those that have been reading my blog in order to share the joy of the healing.

Before I go on I want to drop a quote in here from a blog I read, it’s so applicable to today.  Here’s the link to the post where I pulled this quote from Invisible Micky’s blog click here for the link: http://bit.ly/amYilX

“So what’s with all the encouragement we get to act SOLID?  (“Be my rock.”)  I think it’s a metaphor that holds people back.  We are animated water balloons, with some meat and chemicals.  EMULATE WATER!  Don’t be solid (which you aren’t), be liquid.  ADAPT to the shape of the containers you are placed in.  GO WITH the FLOW.  Try not to freeze too easily.  ABSORB the HEAT.  Be elastic.  BE what you are – MOSTLY WATER. Has trying to be too “solid” held you back?”

Isn’t that great?  Really makes you think doesn’t it?  It’s brilliant and goes beautifully with what I’ve been thinking lately.

As I said, in healing my relationships with my kids, change has been one of the vital ingredients needed to bring about restoration.  My kids either spelled out what needed to change about me or I disciphered it.

Change is really the name of this earthly game.  If you can’t change you could get depressed, overwhelmed, or unable to move forward.  Life won’t be all it can be.  You won’t be all you can be.  Life is always evolving forward and who better to demonstrate this to us then children? They’re constantly reaching for their next age, their next level of privilege, their next grade in school…  There’s no standing still with them.

As a parent I’ve had to learn to flex and change in so many areas there’s no way to count them all.  And then as my kids reached adulthood I’ve had to change again in new ways and I’ve come to see how I should have changed more as they were growing.  Since I hadn’t, now I’ve come to see how I must change and have changed now to have a healthy and happy repaired relationship with them.  And honestly I know there is more change that lies ahead as they advance further into their adult lives.  The change is not over.  Not by a long shot.  So if I hope not to get back into this again with them I’m going to have to change all the more.  And I’m ready… CHANGE is GOoD.

So, in this post I just want to say.  Look around.  Feel and see where you’re “like a rock”?  And please, oh please, if you have kids ask them to be honest with you.  Ask them to tell you how you’re: too “solid” and it’s causing hurt to your relationship.  And then CHANGE.  It just may be the best thing you ever did.

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane

When I came home and pulled into my parking space I spied a package setting in the threshold of my door.  A surge of excitement filled me when I realized that that could be “the book.”   The shape and size were right.   I gathered my purse from the seat next to me and with keys jangling I made it for my door, scooped up the package and read the return address…sure enough it was “the book”, “Yes, the Red Book and Cotton / Journey to True Freedom, written by my friend and business partner, John Solomon Sandridge, is here.”  I squealed to myself.  I unlocked the door, swooshed it open, dropped my keys and purse onto my table,  swept the door closed with my foot and tore the cardboard lap open on the packaging open.  Then carefully slide it out from its darkness into the light of my waiting hand, dropped the cardboard after birth onto the table with the other and stood there  just gazing at it.   “It’s here.  Months of work and finally it’s here,” I said.  I ran my hand over its front cover and read it, turned it over and did the same absorbing every detail and font.

Then I gently opened it’s front cover and was instantly transported back to 4th grade when my teacher, Mrs. Hyer, taught us how to handle our brand new math text books…”First you set the book on its spine and open its front cover flat to the desk, now the back, now take a small section of the front pages and open them and run your finger along the inside…”  As carefully as that 4th grader I opened it’s cover and viewed the fresh new insides.  Flipped through the pages of text, without opening it fully keeping in mind its newness, and  absorbed the new layout and feel.  Ahhhh, perfect.  Better than it was.

I want to say that I’ve been especially honored to be a part of the birthing of this book from editing manuscript to final copy.  As I mentioned I was one involved with editing it many times over and was a part of getting it to its first print.  But to now be on this end, the “re-do” and movement into our company, comes with it’s own unique joy.

You may notice that their is now a sub-title.  I don’t remember if I mentioned this before, but since we were in the process of having to re-do the cover and inside layout we discussed everything.  The new title came into being because the book is about so much more than slavery, it’s also about finding True-Freedom in our life and how to create it.  Ergo the subtitle.

The other occurrence  yesterday was, one of my kids was sick and throwing up…  the one I’m diligently working on restoring a relationship with.  They ending up spending the night and after a good bit of vomiting, poor thing, they felt a lot better and we talked and talked.  Which explains why there was no post yesterday.  And I want to say right here that yesterday felt like it always used to, but better, because I’ve healed and changed (changes I’m still working to make automatic rather than paying attention to myself, but I’m getting there) and so have they and we’re finding sweet harmony again.  The transition is occurring with beauty and grace.  And I am tearfully thankful.

You know?  This transition from primary care taker/stay at home mom to … their adults and you’re hands are now off, has been a sticky wick and that’s been in spite of the fact that I thought I had done what I needed to do as they moved through their teens to reach this point.

So what about today?  Lot’s of things business, seeing my kids, and Caleb ran around with me doing business. 

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who will be going to bed and it’s only 12:25, amazingly early for me 

that what I’ve shared in this series of posts, regarding taking my parental RESPON-sibility, drew out for months.  When I was having problems with my first born son it went on for years because I had no idea what on earth to do.  But last year when I got with it, by applying what I had come to learn from my healing and my couch, things have been turning around in a major way and this year the difference is astounding.  I took what I had learned already, married it with what I had to hurry and learn with the another of my adult children–that I have left nameless and often refer to as “this one”– that had wanted nothing to do with me that I have spoken of in prior posts and we accelerated.

So I’m thankful that with this “one” the time that we’ve experience a crumbling and then complete break down in our relationship, it’s only been around a year.   And the time from when it all crumbled…a little over 6 months.

But know this, for a long time there were NO changes.  No interest in talking with me.  Having any information shared as to the problem.  Just a brick wall… No communication.  LOTS of anger.  When changes did occur they were so mild I didn’t think that they amounted to anything.  “They” even took the time to let me know that the niceness hadn’t meant a thing, that “they” had just been polite and for me to not look for more from them.

The process of restoration that has included and mostly been attributed to them !BLAM!ming me, has been tough and painful.  However, it has all been worth it. It certainly has not been nearly as painful as it was  going through life being utterly despised by “them” and “them” seizing up every time I came around when they might happen to be there.

Had I not done what I shared in this series of posts, the bit by bit, and a little bit more, and a bit more that that has occurred– bringing us to the where I began this series: to “this adult child” wanting to share a movie with me– would NEVER have happened.  TRUST me on this one.  It never did with my first born.  That relationship was only healed after I made the changes AND REPSONded and listened.  And let them !BLAM! me.

I’m not going to say to you that things are magically and perfectly restored.  We didn’t get here overnight.  Things are delicate but not fragile.  So I’m cautious.  We still have much healing to do, BUT now, thankfully, we’re moving out of a broken relationship and into a healed one.

And another thing I’ve learned in all this is: I’ve given my kids over to “their” life in areas, that before, I would have struggled doing, and that’s whether I like it or not.  And really I’m getting to where I am moving outside of having any feeling of like or dislike or concern about what they do at all.  I’m in process of dropping the control and yielding them over to their life with no strings attached to me.  Just as I wanted mine when I was young and still do and am taking it back from my mother.  She won’t release, but I will my children for their sakes and mine.  It’s their life.  It’s them I love, not what they may or may not do.  So I’m loving them.  Unconditionally.  Fully and wholly.  Where they are.

I hope that this series has helped.  I’ve tried my best to give the full, honest picture.  Without overwhelming you with lengthy posts that dribble on and on but provide some meat.

So take heart, if you’re in a painful situation with your child/ren there is hope

Tomorrow I’m feeling the urge to write as the writer that I am.  Haven’t done that in a while.  Be all literary.  For sometime now my posts have been focused on all the healing going on from me to my mother and then from me to my kids and from them to me.  LOL.  I seem to be… stuck here in the middle…with you.  Sorry couldn’t resist…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

I think it’s important to say right here I felt that THERE WERE POINTS here and there I COULD HAVE TAKEN ISSUE WITH with each of my children that has mini !BLAM!med me.

AND….
MAYBE I would have been right (or worse maybe I would’ve been wrong).
But did that really matter?
Did my being right matter more than their hurt?
Did my being right matter more their soul healing?
Did my being right matter more than their need for me to love them and admit I had been wrong.
Did my being right matter more than me RESPOND-sibly shouldering my stuff in order to assist their wounds to heal?
Not to me it wasn’t.
Because today, I’m clear enough and adult enough to say that whatever happened was how “they” had interrupted everything, and how they had been hurt by me.  Whether or not I thought it should have hurt or effected them, it had… and that’s what mattered.

You know it’s funny, if I poll my kids to see how each of them reacted to any situation I receive eight different responses to each situation.  Some will react negatively and then some more than others.  Some will shrug their shoulders and have no problem at all and wonder why the ones that do do.  Even when we’re all having fun.  Someone’s fun isn’t as great.  Or all but one of us will be saying we’re having fun and there’s one crying.

I’ll tell you what, having eight kids sure gives me a lot of examples to look at.   And a lot of voices to respond and let me know when and how you I’m wrong.  Which gives me lots of opportunity to grow as a person, if I only LISTEN.

So with that said I’ll say… bottom line what mattered was that they were hurt and I was the cause.  So why should I sweat over the details and pick apart what they said or decide if they were right or wrong?  Why? 
I had a cousin once that always used to say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff Theresa.  If you do you’ll never be able to handle the big stuff when it comes along and that’s what really matters.”

My being right, is the SMALL stuff.

And if I’m willing to listen to them, not correct them and pick over details maybe the day will come when they’ll have the ears to hear what I said when I was telling them I was sorry and why and how I was wrong or what was discussed last week may finally processes inside them and unlocks their hurt and shut down heart and open them a bit more to me…   (Doing otherwise would have been clearly heard by them and shut them right down.  Angered them.  Caused them to draw the conclusion that what they felt and had to say didn’t matter.)  And maybe, just maybe, in the future I may be able to set a detail or two straight…IF that point even matters anymore since NOW I have a healthy, happy, peaceful, loving relationship with my child…which matters MORE than details of the PAST.

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who went from being confident about switching to being a self hosted blog to today being nervous.  If your out there let me know will you?  Leave me a comment.  Thanks

Yesterday I left off saying that today I would share how I responded when my adult child/ren wanted me to respond to their mini !BLAM!s.
Here’s how I went about it:

• NEVER said they were wrong in any way.
• I humbly and respectfully participated, thankful for the opportunity to have some healing taking place (even though at the time it was not easy to see.  This was something I had to know and trust.)
• I would cull out specific points to agree with and apologized for each error.
• I would take their specific points and detail how they were correct.  By stating how I could see their point because I have done this or that, in this way or that way.  Then I would reference one or two specific times that I remember that I had done what they had mentioned.
• I kept things BRIEF.
• I paid close attention to their body language to judge if I was being open and honest enough.*
• Didn’t take advantage of the moment to extend it any longer than “they” wanted.  When they were done, I was done.  When “they” had had enough “they” always told me.

*What did I mean when I said I paid close attention to their body language…
This process was tough at times.  I’m not going sit here and lie to you and say I waved my hand and said, “Ah it was easy smeesie seeing and admitting all I did wrong.  No problem…”
Because it wasn’t.
This was all on the fly mind you.  When I sat down with my child to have them !BLAM! me I had no idea what was going to come out. But believe me all kinds of things came pouring out.  Some in buckets and some in drops depending on how much they were willing to open up each time.  But either way “stuff” came out all right and if they wanted a response from me I was on “borrowed” time let me tell you.  There wasn’t any tolerance to me hiding my stuff or excuses of the mildest of form or any denial said or unsaid.  I had to be quick about it.  Quick to see my “stuff” that they pointed out and quick to own it whether I wanted to or not.

There were times when I was hesitating to really own something or I was admitting something that I knew was true but I was doing so in a coated manner.  I knew that it wasn’t going over by their:

• expressions or,
• how they shifted or sighed or,
• they would out right tell me

When any of those three happened it was a VERY delicate moment.
This was where I could make or break the moment with them.
This was when I had to shake myself and go for more honesty and really look at myself deeper.  So I had to swallow hard and press forward and say, “You know I wasn’t as honest as I could have been there, let me back up.”  Then fill in the needed information.  There were times, at the first attempts when I wasn’t so sensitive or open or willing to be seen as so wrong (which I was, it’s just owning it was tough) without mildly pointing out what they had done or that some thing they said wasn’t quite right and that ended it right there.  We were said, done, and over.
They were disgusted and moving on past me.  This was not good.  It felt terrible and I went off alone and cried.  Disgusted at myself for not being honest enough.  Not hearing what “they” were telling me and owning my “s***”.

More on this tomorrow…
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

So here’s how I RESPOND-sibilited .. for months…

BACKED OFF:

• Stopped calling.
• Didn’t take advantage of situations where we were in the same place, like in “their” father’s house with my other children, to attempt to engage “them” in conversation
• If “they” interacted with me I was careful with my RESPONDses, kept it to the reason “they” were talking to me and I only embraced that moment: I didn’t go on to look for any more from them, then or after.
• I kept my pain to myself and looked for nothing from them to ease it.  I had created it, I deserved what I got, I needed to be a big girl and swallow it.
• When there was opportunity I mildly suggested that “they” consider !BLAM!ming me.

Thankfully “they” have done mini-!BLAM!s a few times so far.
When “they” have I…

TOOK RESPOND-sbility:

• SHUT my mouth.
• Done my level best to not cry.  This was about them not me.
• I didn’t correct or interrupt.
• When “they” were done I would say:
  –”I agree with everything you said.  You’re absolutely right, I did do those things.  I’m very sorry for hurting you and causing you pain when you were a child.”
  –Another time “they” mini !BLAM!med me “they” weren’t so very upset and coming right at me with seething anger, so I felt I might be able to say just a bit more…so I re-said what I said above and added:
  “I’m thankful you told me this.  You’ve helped me see things about myself that I did wrong and can still do.   Now that I see what you’ve shared I can fix it and I’m going to.”
• In every case I asked, “Do you want me to respond or would you rather just end right here?”  I felt it important to ask this question.  To show that I cared about what they said and I just needed to know what they wanted/needed from me.

If they said they were done, I said, “Ok,”  and WALKED away.
WHY??
BECAUSE:

• What had been important was that “they” had done what “they” had needed, at that moment.   Expelled the poison.  Began to cleanse the toxins from their system.
• That was what was respectful.  How dare I arrogantly decide that this needed to be dealt with longer?  That would be being a bully and controlling, even though what I would have said would have been to have supported what was said.  Anything I would have said would’ve fallen on deaf agitated ears and only proved that I was all they said, I continue to be, I won’t change, and they are right to cut me out.

If “they” wanted a response.  I gave it.

Although they never said it I can tell you that they needed a response because they needed me to “prove” my WORDS: “I’m so very sorry for hurting you as a child.”
To hear and feel if I was genuine…

Their UNSAID screaming QUESTion was…
“Yeah! If you’re so sorry then PROVE it.
Tell me what YOU did,
support my points…”

So I did…
Tomorrow I’ll show how I went about saying more…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-whose wondering if anyone has their experiences to share in my comments???

In order to heal something you have to actually be able to see it first.  Otherwise you don’t even know the sucker exists.  Consciously at least.  Because it’s there… destroying your life.  But you have no idea.  Kinda like an ominous presence in a Stephen King novel…there’s something out there lurking in the dark, creating trouble, but you’ve no idea why.  Till one day during your healing process a Boogie Man jumps out of the dark, scares you half to death, and swipes it’s claws at you.  Wide eyed you stagger backwards, your heart pounding, and you keep repeating, oh my God, oh my God, that can’t be real.  Will it hurt me?  Should I run?…

The worse thing you can do is run.  You have to hold your ground.  You have to get a good look at it in the full light of day while you have your chance.  It’s where you can see how to kill it.

For years I’ve kept things that happened to me sealed up
and stored deeply at the back of the forbidden dark tower of my memories
and in the recesses of my bowels.
Things that happened and how I think and feel.
This is what you do isn’t it?
Your mother teaches you it’s wrong to hang your family’s dirty laundry
out for the whole world to see.
You keep family secrets.
You don’t even speak of them to each other.
It’s a shameful thing.
It’s the ultimate betrayal to so much as utter them alone in the dark of night…

Instead you keep them hidden… in the blackness.
Where they rot and fester.
Where mice infest and they leave stinking excrement everywhere and make nests out of the “dirty things”.
You learn to live with the filth.  The infection that sets in.  The fog in your thinking.  The demons that lurk and shriek sending your emotions out of control when you least expect and steal you of peace and happiness.

I’ve been finding powerful healing through my life couch sessions and classes.  The problem has been that I’ve dug deeply into the depths of unconscious and memory all the while either partially revealing or keeping a safe distance from certain “shut away things”.
Till the !BLAM!…
That’s when I let the vomit fill my mouth and evacuate my gut.
To purge the putrid rotting, infestation.

This tore at my stomach and sent a shutter throughout my system unearthing a good many Pandora Boxes from far reaching hiding places.  These boxes were left on the edge of my conscious and shook with the roar of the monsters that held them.
Their presence has been so frightening that I’ve no choice but to drive myself to find the key to open and unleash them into the world so I might see them for what they were and free myself.

This “drive” produced yet another !BLAM!ming however this time my mother didn’t hear it.  It was urged on by my life coach when he heard their roar.  He knew how to unleash at least some right then… I needed to say things that I hadn’t already.  He encouraged me act as if she were there and this time to call her names.

I tried.  But at first the words stuck firmly in my throat.  I stopped and said, “This is ridiculous I can swear a blue streak when I’m mad and even if I simply choose to, but without my mom even present I can’t do it. “So I took four slow deep breaths, closed my eyes, and tried again.  The words came out slowly, as if trapped by the bowel cramping the proceeds explosive diarrhea.  Then they released and poured out unable to be suppressed.  I called her every name in the book and let her know what I thought of her.  I was surprised to hear some of what I said.

I left feeling better.

But there were more boxes lying there, thundering with the earth shattering anger of the monsters they held…
That’s where I’ll pick up tomorrow…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

I would like to make it clear to everyone who reads my blog that I’m not “blaming” my parent for my issues.  But I do !BLAM! them for their personal-living-hell they dumped on me when I was an innocent child.  Again, to !BLAM! is NOT to blame.
!BLAM! stands for:
B: Birthing
L: Love
A: Affection
M: Mercy

Anyone that responds in the manner that I’m blaming my parents, I say those individuals who think such, you are carrying a ton of guilt for what you’ve done against your children and/or you want to continue to carry your parents issues and will continue to dump them on your children and others.

My work and mission in life is to bring healing between America’s youth and their parents.  For anyone who would like to have a clearer understanding of what it means to !BLAM! their parents go to John1′s blog (my business partner and friend) at: www.journeytotruefreedom.com and his web site, click on the video tab and view my video.  You’ll find two of me there and for now I recommend viewing the 6 or so minute one as we are having buffering issues with the longer one, we’re working on the problem and hope to have it running soon.

I trust that the majority of you have my same sentiments which is, we parents must help American youth to overcome their bad habits and addictions.  In doing so this is a way we can participate in making our country a better place to live.  Which will ultimately set a shinning example for other countries to do likewise.  Please join us, John and myself, in creating peace and love between children and parents.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

When I went home to seek resolution with my parents a few years ago, my step-father was remorseful and changed…
So WHY did I !BLAM! him as well?

Well, as I said in my video I side stepped a lot back then, swept it under the carpet if you will.  I didn’t want to shove the past in their face, make them wrong…  All I really asked was that they admit that I had a reason to have cut them off for all those years because:  the past was horrible.  A nightmare…  And I asked that because my mother has always continued to be upset, and held it over my head that they were cut off for all those years and claimed cluelessness about the reason–God, sometimes my mother makes me roll and squeeze my eyes shut and my stomach to cease in knots . . .

Since then I have come to see that by not bringing everything out, my childhood pain and fears, the adult fears and pains and lingering effects… I stopped short.  Far short.  Which kept me carrying the burden.  A participant in hiding the past.  Protecting the awful that it was.  And although my step-father was remorseful and has changed, I really was left needing to express to them the searing pain and lingering effects I have suffered from their hands.
Get it out of me…
Bring to light what was in the dark…
Give the burden back to them…
Facing the awful makes it real.  Validates it.  And allows the person/people to become free.
Therefore when I called to !BLAM! it really needed to be to them both.

Night again, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who just senses unasked questions  and wonders who is holding a question that they want to ask?  I say, ask away, I’m an open book and love questions

I have experienced two DIFFERENT reactions from my parents since the !BLAM!.
One positive and one negative.
I share to encourage others…
I share to say I understand…

My STEP-FATHER on the one hand has been a broken man since the !BLAM!
(Click here to read how remorseful he has been since the !BLAM!)
I also want to add that his change really began nearly 3 years ago when I went home and did, shall we call it, a very minor !BLAM! before I even had this concept to work from.  I went home to try to form some semblance of peace with my parents and I mildly faced them with the issues of the past. (click here to read that post) As I shared in that post… both back then and again (and more so) since the !BLAM! he has:
Asked for forgiveness,
Been incapable of understanding how I could ever forgive him for all he did in the past.
Taken the full burden of what he did.
And just as important and necessary he has completely changed in a positive manner towards me.
The control is gone.
The hooks are gone.
The power plays are gone.
I’m respected as an adult and much more.
Has his change been perfect?  No, but I’ve sure seen a turn in the opposite direction.  That gives me reason to believe he’s working on what little’s missing.  And honestly the little that’s missing tends to be due to him getting caught by my mother in one of her fire storms and taking her side.  That is a difficult situation I understand.  He has to live with her.  Try to maintain peace with her.  His health for the last 7 or so years has been in a delicate place and he has to rely on her.  So again this is a sticky wick.

My MOTHER on the other hand, sadly, is a hard woman who continues to refuse to except responsibility, or to change. 
Both since I went home and since the !BLAM!.
So far she’s made no verbal reference to me regarding the !BLAM!, but there’s been plenty of actions. (go back and read prior posts)
She’s angry, and she’s been showing me she is.
It’s apparent that she wants to hurt me.
Her treatment of me has been in a manner where she’s showing that she’s not giving and she’s still exerting her old, “I’m the mother you’re the child” tricks to attempt to control me.
There’s not been remorse.
There’s been no owning what she did.
From what others have been telling me she’s saying, I’m lying about the past.  I’m making her the wrong one.  It was all dad’s fault and yet I blame her for everything…she’s done nothing wrong.  Troubles that we’ve had between her and I, in my adult years, have been because of me, I want to hurt her.  I’m mean to her.  I’m disrespectful…

With that shared let me hasten to say, I understand why my mother’s upset and has for all these years continued to hold on to her position that she didn’t do anything wrong and she’s innocent.  I can only imagine that she’s living in turmoil.  The “best” that she did when I was growing up, obviously came out of her own problems that she suffered at the hands of her mother and father.  I understand that she, just as my step-father, did the best that they could when they raised me and I sympathize with them both in this area.  But their “best” caused a whole lot of suffering and pain in my childhood and long term effects to my adult life.  Therefore, I hope and pray my mother will come to see and understand what she has done.  Not only do I hope she comes to see and truly/sincerely own what she has done, I hope she can change her ways towards me.  If and when this happens my mother and I, the lion and the lamb, will lie together in peace and love.

Hopefully my mom can come to see all this and make some changes in order to free herself up from her personal-living-hell.

And I ask that you, my friends, keep my mother and I, our healing our relationship, in your prayers and mediation.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-I’m wondering, do you have a story to share??   -OR- Has what I’ve been sharing been helpful to you?  Please share in my comment section . . .