So picture this, there are three ducks.  One was walking, one was resting, and one was paddling her web feet trying to swim for all she was worth.

This was too much, I took my camera and videoed her to show my kids.

The duck walking on the ice walked straight at her looking like, “What are you doing?”  Then he turns and walks the other way.   Then the one resting gets up and the two walk away while she keeps paddling…  Going no where.

I couldn’t help but think…”There’s a message here for me.  I’m on my way to my appointment to deal with my “mother hate” issues and I’ve got a duck demonstrating Einstein’s definition of insanity:

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

So today’s message from my duck friends?  STOP DOING THE SAME THING if you hope to get off the “ice”/hate… heal my hate issues…
I’ve been that paddling duck.  It’s time I stop the insanity, be like the other duck… up, walking around, in charge, enjoying life for all it’s got to offer and even leading the other duck.  He was getting some where.   I went to my appointment with that on my mind and I’m glad because the appointment got intense…

The Appointment: For all I was worth I wanted to resist what my couch was trying to help me see.   But thank God I didn’t and I pushed through and as a result I’m coming more out of my “insanity”.  A chunk of what I came to see?  I’ve allowed my mother to control and have so much influence over me that she’s my god.  She possesses me.  She lives through me.   I fear her, I talk about her a lot, I can do things that she does: get cold, shut down, mean, temper…  All things someone does who worships someone or thing.

That was unnerving.  Tasted like vinegar and sent shutters down my spine.  But then I had to admit it’s true.  She’s my god.  This processing dislodged a memory: when I was a kid I used to always sardonically say, “My mother is God himself.”  Well, I took that a little too seriously…

After: I went to one of my all time favorite spots:  my library…  While there I found a book on CD: Dolorus Claiborn by Stephen King.  In all the years I’ve gone there and checked out books out on CD and, always look at the SK choices, I’ve never once saw this.  In the words of my daughter, “That’s crazy!”
So… I mean, really…
Did I have a choice about taking it out?  No!  I know you remember that it was only days ago that the movie version cracked me wide open showing me my hate for my mother. Click here for that post.
So of course I immediately popped it in when I got to my truck, I’ve got to see why this “coincidence” happened.  Isn’t life totally cool???
I’ll keep you posted….

Later: we had a terrific business meeting.  Exciting things to come is all I can say… 

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-three hours later when I return home.  That duck was still paddling… four or five feet away from where she started and now she was moving in a circle…insanity…a reinforcement, keep pressing forward to “do different” or you’ll stay on “your ice”…made me shiver
Here’s my ducks…

If you get a kick out of them tell your friends to go to our channel: http://www.youtube.com/JohnSolomonSandridge and view them, who knows maybe they’ll go viral?!  Boy wouldn’t that be great for our business?

I’ve been so focused on where my life and healing has been going for the last month or so and there has been the need to fill my blogs with so many words just to cover that topic that I haven’t taken the time to veer into other areas in the effort to not overwhelm you with more to read.  So tonight I’m going to make my post about areas that I’ve neglected…my kids.

Interestingly since I !BLAM!med my parents there began cracks with the children that have issues with me, as I mentioned in prior posts.  Click here for those posts.

Of them I mentioned one wanted to have as little to do with me as possible.  And I’m happy to share that it’s been slooow going but we’ve progressed.  One night about a month ago, ‘they’ did let out about an hour of steam, in a calm fashion, towards me about the things that upset “them.”  ‘They’, in a sense, mini-!BLAM!med me.  I listened, apologized, and told them they were right.

Since we’ve inched along and I have to say Christmas was very nice, and surprisingly we even went to a movie together.  But today was better.  It was super really.  We talked a long, long time, two different times, like we used to.  And I’m thankful.  But I’m also wise enough to know that ‘this one’ still has things to work through.  Although matters between didn’t seem quite as delicate, there was a hint of it skimming the edges.  So, I respected the “edges.”  At the end of our conversation I again encouraged ‘them’ to do a full out !BLAM! with me.  I had shared during the course of our talk how liberating and healing it has been for me and that I wanted that for ‘them’.  I do hope that one day ‘this one’ will be able to do so.

Also, another adult child did !BLAM! me and their father several weeks ago.  Right after I had done mine.  At the time none of my kids knew about my !BLAM! with my parents, but I knew and I offered them the opportunity and ‘this one’ took it and ran.   ‘This one’ and I have talked on and off since, in small sessions, and I’m glad to say that this relationship is also healing.  I will also add that we both see the need for ‘this one’ to do it again.  That the first was only the beginning.  So when ‘they’ are ready ‘they’ have said ‘they’ will.

So that’s the fast forward catch up with my kids.  It’s wonderful and I’m thankful and am committed to doing all I can to assist them to heal, in as much as it has to do with their issues with me.

Now, for me, well, tomorrow is my “life couch/therapist/Naturopathic Spiritual Intuitive”.  And I have to say I’m locked and loaded.  I’m ready.  I’m sure there will be pain and tears as he takes me even deeper into my issues of unforgiveness and the hate I carry for my mother.  But I’m ready.  Today, I’m so ready.  I want to be free.  I’m going to be free.  I’m going to transform.

An interesting thing has taken place inside me since I… saw, then was honest and confessed the hate and unforgiveness I’ve been carrying…both have been deflating.  Like the helium that leaks slowly out of a mylar balloon.  I’m not going to even try and deceive you into thinking that “I’ve got this one”, but I can say that I’m not so searingly uncaring as I was.  It’s the honesty that brings that about, it’s sets a person free.  So tomorrow I’m going to be as honest as need be.  Because tomorrow I’m going to go about killing these “demons” a little bit more…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-above I have creative ways of not letting you know which of my children I’m referring to.  That’s out of respect to them.  I’ve not asked if I can share their names yet.  So for now they’ll be, ‘them’, ‘they’, and ‘this one’

In the Steven King movie I talked about last, there was a female character who was dying a terrible death.  It was made obvious that it was due to her holding on to hate.  Her line: “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.”

Translation: this was what allowed her to survive.

The movie shows us that she was obviously hurt in her childhood and then in her marriage.  Her “demons”, Bitterness and Hate, permeated her and in the end they devoured her with sickness and twisted her outside body into a terrible form reflecting what was inside… She wanted to die.  It was the only way she knew to “kill them off” and release her from them and her awful existence.

These “demons” we/I co-exist with exact a terribly high price to allow us to live off from/hold on to them…

I want to be released from my “demons”.  However I know that I don’t have to die to be released, but they have to.  I can go on to live a beautiful and peaceful existence after I’ve killed off my “demons” (my issues) and replace them with “angels”.  In this case “angels” of Forgiveness and Love for all people including my mother.

This is also the message of the book John Solomon wrote: Red Book and Cotton.  It is the entire theme really.  How to overcome the issues that keep us from “true-freedom”.  The man, Nimrod, had every reason to hold on to his anger and hate, he was born and raised an African American slave.  Who was treated worse than the slaves??  But in spite of his childhood and adult treatment and existence he was able to overcome and go on to live in not just the paper freedom that the government granted in his lifetime, but he was able to arrive at his true-freedom as well.  By learning to love and forgive those that had been atrocious to him and his people.

To me it has been a tremendous eye opener to how I needed to live.  His life story has played a very powerful role over the years to my inner healing.  Because if anyone “deserved” to hold onto to their hate it would have been him.  But he learned to let it go, “kill off his demons” and because he did he was able to experience true-freedom and this is the message to us that is in the book.  Through his life story we learn of his pain and traumas, the horrors committed against him and were all around him and then we are shown how he learned to free himself of the anger, hate, and unforgiveness he harbored toward the white people.

The book has been inspiring.  Provided me tremendous guidance and self-revelation to jerk me awake and to keep me on the path to my inner healing/True-freedom.  Read it.  You’ll be glad you did.  Check out John’s blog too, click here, it’s based on his book and the truths that lie within.

Night, love ya,
Theresa

That was last weeks appointment.  
From then till now other “boxes” have opened.  One contained the demon “Unforgiving.” It was a shocking but irrefutably true fact.  I can be mercilessly unforgiving.  When I saw it for what it was I was shaken to my core.

Then there was this other “box.”  I knew it was there.  I sensed something holding me back.  And I knew it was inside “that Pandora Box right there”.  “That” box remained especially impenetrable…  
I paced around it trying to figure how to open it.  Asked for help in my prayers.  Asked for dreams.  However it stayed shut till last night when a Stephen King movie, “Dolorous Claiborn”, rose up and axed it open… releasing an ugly, ferocious demon that came flying out and haunted me.
I didn’t sleep well all night.
I was facing “it”.  Staring at “it”.  Trying to see “it” clear.  Finally it did just that, became clear.  This “demon” was… “Mother hate”.

“No,” I said to myself, “that’s not so…”
Oh, I knew I hated things she had done or not done.  
I knew hate for her came when she’d hurt me but it had left…
Hate her?  Like constantly?  
Like cold blooded, raw, ugly, hate her?  
How could that be?  No one hates their mother… 
I didn’t hate my mother…
But then…there “it” was hovering over me.  Refusing to leave.  So I stopped judging and just looked at it.  Flash backs and things I said and felt flew across the pages of my mind.  Things she had done or refused to do anything about crawled out of my memories and pieced themselves together so accurately that I finally had to really admit, that things I had refused to allow myself to dwell on in the past had been true.  But although I hadn’t “allowed” it, I had boxed it up into a Pandora Box and shoved it into the depths.  So I knew.  I carried it with me.  Inside.  Then I allowed myself to really FEEL the truths I had avoided.  Feelings and knowledge I had shut down so very long ago blended and collided, the demon keep shrieking, and I finally had to admit it was true.
No argument…

I do.  I hate my mother.

I have been hating her a long time…
I really hate her.
There’s was so much that transpired on her end.  So much more than was shared in my video.  That I built shear hate for HER and didn’t even realize it.

Through burning tears I shared the memories, the truths, and the hate I have for her with John1 and he said, “Well, finally.  You finally admit that you hate your mother.  Now that you see it you can heal it and move on with your life.”
I was surprised that he had so clearly seen it and I hadn’t.  But that is how it is, others see what we can’t or refuse to see…

The other thing he said was, “What concerns me is you.  Your mother is living her life just fine.  Perfectly okay.  But not you.  You’re still complaining about what happened to you.  And most of all you’re afraid of your mother and she still keeps you in her clutches and controls you.”

Shocking but true.  A truth that got my attention.

John1 made another video.  He showed me it yesterday.  I know it played a major role in opening that “hate box”.  It prepared me for the SK movie I watched later that night.  It’s in the theme of the fear I still carry for my mother.  He says it moves him.  He wants me to be free.  He wants others to see it so that they might see themselves and free themselves also.

I’m going to close here and then put in the video, so…
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-tomorrow…So where do I go from here??

Here’s the video, it’s called: 45 Years Old and Still Afraid of Her Mother’s voICE:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSE6kNGUv_g&hl=en_US&fs=1&]