Finally Cal raced out carrying a water bottle and bearing a smile.  After a hello hug we set out.  Throughout the walk Cal’s head stayed largely turned up tracking the clear water bottle as he threw it as high as he could.  Then gauging its descent, he raced to catch it again and again.  I also watched as it soared, delighting with him at how high it went and for his every catch.  I kept waiting for that bubble filled bottle to miss his grip, smash against the sizzling black top, and spew water everywhere.  I also watched, with careful concern, for it’s downward arch and stepped, with agile quickness out of its way.

The path of our walked ambled from here to there as I sought the cooling shelter of  available trees casting long, early evening shadows and Cal followed without a break in his stride or the tilt of his head, as 8 year olds are so agily capable of doing.

As we were trodding up a steady incline, the type that makes you slow your pace and breath heavier due to its continous length, he stopped throwing his bottle and asked, “What was my first word?”
I answered, a bit sadly, “You know, I don’t remember.  I was pretty sick when you were that little and some things I just don’t recall.  Remember our talking about that?”
“Oh, yeah.”  And in his effort to really get his brain more fully wrapped around “my sickness” he said, “So you must have not felt well a lot.  Like been tired and stuff.”
“Yes, that and more.  I’m only here today because of Dr. John’s skill and healing techniques.”
“I’m happy about that,” he said, I wouldn’t have wanted you to die.”  Then he paused thoughtful and added, “I’m glad I have life,”  and looked up at me and smiled.

Those five words really got to me.  They caused a question to etch across the folds of my brain, “Have I ever been glad I had life?”  I don’t recall feeling that way ever honestly.  As a child I was doing all I could to survive and endure, that pretty much consumed me and I think that that way of living continued with me even until today.  The times I felt the freest, the most at peace was on the playground that stood next door to my grandmother’s.  There I spent hours of carefree play swinging so high with my friends we all feared we might loop back over the top bar, climbing monkey bars and daring myself to stand on the top arms outstretched like the boys, teter tautering with a freind or simply running up and down it on my own or sitting at its center keeping it perfectly balanced, and sliding down what I considered the world’s highest slide.  A metal structure with about 20 stairs that had little dull claws to grab and steady the soles of the children who climbed to its full height, it had a shiny, mirror like slide that at the peak of the noon day sun would burn through our thin cotton shorts making it only for the bravest and strongest to attempt going down.  Then, when the season was right, I daily swam long hours in the “Little Pool” the round blue concrete wonder that couldn’t have been more than 2-2 1/2 feet deep at its exact center.  The spot where Robert and I would grip the metal drainage grate beneath us in order to stay submerged and compete to see who could stay under the longest.

This was where I was the happiest.  This was where I spent as many hours as I could from early morning to early evening pausing only to get lunch and then a quick dinner.  This was where there was quiet.  Peace.  A measure of safety.

I thought of that time as I examined myself and the span of my life here on this planet, asking, ”Can I say that I’ve been glad I had life?  Did I at least during my time on the playground have this feeling?”  Honestly?  No.  My time on the playground was me simply loving my time there whether with friends or alone.  At that moment.  Thankful for the freedom.  The sun warming my hair and the cool of the evening shadows as they stretched across the lawn.  It was my place of escape, for solitude away from the troubles that lay at home.

Yesterday, from the mouth of one of the most pleasent 8 year olds I know, who also happens, thankfully to be my son, came one of the most thought provoking, life and thought altering statments for me.  And I think it was so jolting due to his tender age.  To hear someone so young utter such a statement is unavoidably noteable.

So today I make it my goal to reach for the simple contentment of having life.  Not to just “put in my time” doing what I can while I’m here for the service of others, or to make a difference, or even for the need and eranest desire to be the best mom I know to be, for my children, but for me.  For the sheer pleasure of being glad that… I have life. . .

Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-Cal’s water bottle survived 50 minutes into our walk then it smashed.  And when it did it, “made the coolest pattern” rendering it worth the loss of serving as a thrist quenching fluid for Cal.  Also Dan and Grace joined us for the last 15 minutes rendering my evening a delight with my three youngest before they, with great excitment and expectation, loaded into their sisters Blessing’s car to spend the night with her at her apartment.

What’s been going on?  Here’s the highlights…

Tuesday my daughter Blessing took her car into the garage.  She called me while I was at work to tell me the mechanic told her that it was going to cost so much to fix her car she may as well trade it in and not to drive it anymore than she had to, if at all.  She doesn’t have the money for such a venture so the call was awash with tears and sobs.  She cried on and off pretty much the rest of the day.  I was working till 8 that night so I was not able to help her any.  In that time she went to a couple nearby car places and discovered she can’t get a loan without a co-signer.  I don’t qualify to co-sign, her father won’t.  Sooooo Wednesday, after I took Zac home from school at 11:30 and made him a lunch, I spent the day holding my daughter together as we: went to a bank to see what could be done.  Result…too young, no credit.  Went to a used car lot where her brother got his car and 8 of his co-workers.  She liked a car, the price was very good, but still she would need another $2,700 on top of her car to buy it.  Which she doesn’t have.  So we left.  By then it was time for us both to go to our evening employment.  She was doing pretty good by then.  Frustrated, but better.

The result of her car troubles?  On Thursday we had a little family meeting with her father, me, and her sister Sarah.  Why Sarah?  Well, this was where Sarah found out that the car that her father bought last summer for her to use to drive to school really wasn’t as he told her, “her” car, it was his and she could use it and now Blessing was get it to use for a few months, till she saved up the money she needed to buy another car.

This was the point where we all waited for Sarah’s 17 year old reaction…  I have to say that we were all pleasantly surprised.  She took it very well.  Oh, she wasn’t twinkling but she wasn’t screaming and such.  So, that was great.  I’m proud of her.

Course the way her father had lined up the conversation had left her little room.  He said, “In this family whenever someone needs help we do what we can to help them.  Well your sister needs help in a major way since her car is undriveable.  So I’m going to let her use my car, which you drive for the next few months…”  But believe me, even with that line up we were all holding our breath on this one, ready for the tsunami to rise up out of the ocean.  So far there’s been none and it’s been a week.  PHEW.

Last Thursday, after a two hour meeting in the morning brain storming the creation of a video that our business is going to be shooting, I took Zac to a doctor appointment.  We were there for soooooo long that Zac fell asleep.  Sooooo long that even I fell asleep, sitting upright, in a slouchy position, elbows propped on the arm rests, head dropped sideways, right there in the middle of the waiting room.  This may not sound like a big deal to you but this isn’t something I do…fall asleep in a busy waiting room.  You know, a waiting room, the place where a bunch of people surround you sitting with spouses, children, friends, and relatives.  The place where everyone’s all butted up against each other trying to act like there’s no one around them until something occurs and forces the issue.  The place where everyone’s faces are turned up watching the show that’s broadcasting on the very small TV suspended from the ceiling, regardless of what’s on because it gives everyone something to distract themselves with.  The TV that I’m so thankful for because until a few years ago there wasn’t a single TV to be found in any waiting room in any hospital leaving my children and I to log up teem hours in a “time warp” of nothingness…  Yeah, that’s the place I fell completely asleep.   All that down time, just sitting, waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I was so out that after about 40 minutes of sleep I woke up, looked around, saw others were asleep and zoned directly back out again.  And here’s the thing…I didn’t care.  All total, I believe I slept an hour and 10 minutes.

I guess there really is a first for everything.

As sleepy as I may have been waiting for the appointment I wasn’t when I left.  I was feeling energized.  The tests showed that things have improved.  Not tons and bunches, but they’ve improved.  Improvement is wonderful.  Improvement is comforting.  Improvement is what is necessary to keep my son off dialysis.  So hooray for improvement regardless of how small.

Otherwise this past week I’ve worked a ton.  I’ve been with my kids.  Had meetings.  Planned and progressed with our businesses.  Watched the movie “Precious”, not all at once the time wouldn’t permit that so it had to be viewed in two different chunks.  Nearly finished Trumps book, “Think Big and Kick Ass”.  Found another that I bought, “Never Be Late Again”–I have high hopes for that book, see I have this little problem in that department–, my mother went into the hospital on Sunday, she’s having a problem with a valve in her heart, so been on the phone a lot with that situation. Some times living closer would be nice.  It took the entire day to muddle through the hysteria and second hand information from different ones in and out of the family.  Having been in the medical world for nearly 19 years I have learned to take things slow and stay calm, not chose the scary words to build “diagnosis” out of, and how to really listen.  I was so glad when I finally was able to speak to a nurse, late that night, who gave me the correct information which took my mother from a major, she’s going to die, heart attack to what it is, not a heart attack, but a valve not working properly and needs surgery to repair.  She doing better.  She’s in ICU and will remain there for possibly a week as her heart rate randomly keeps going up.  They’ll do surgery when she’s stronger.  Most likely in a few weeks.  She’s nervous but I think she’s doing well with the whole thing considering they’ll have to do open heart surgery and that is not something she wants to do at all.

After all this I know you’re asking, “What is going on with your business?”  Well LOTS!!!!!  And I only wish I could tell you what the direction and plans are and that we’re actively bringing into life.  But I can’t just yet…

And came out of my slump I wrote about last.
I can’t just yet, but soon I’ll be able to and I’m looking forward to that day.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

Sit at my keyboard and I’m a vast ocean of blank.  What gives?  What’s the problem I ask myself as I drop my forehead onto my desk and roll it from side to side?

So, since I have nothing snappy to start with or expound on I’m just going to start…

You know life before Zac’s illness was heavy loaded.  But this added, and I have days where I feel like I’m on a tipping point.  Hanging on.  Days where I feel like a butterfly just landed on the dam that was about to break and those few ounces were too much and they caused the dam to implode.  It isn’t that Zac’s hard to care for.  It isn’t that he isn’t getting better.  Because he is.  It’s just the dailyness of it all.  The concern about the meals, assisting him to not forget to do what he must do: take supplements, cath, do bowels, eat right, picking him up from school everyday at 11:30 which splinters the day,  the appointments, the weight that everyday is crucial to his health continuing to improve.

Then there’s everything there was before with the business, my jobs, my kids…  Since all this began with Zac my ability to see the other children has dipped a lot.  My time can only be spread so thin…

Then I’ve been forgetting things  I didn’t before.  And I don’t mean small things.  I mean very big, how on this earth did I possibly forget that, things?  Which can drive me up the wall at times.  There are many times when balls are falling out of the air and bouncing around my feet and I’m racing to get them picked up.

Then there’s my mother.  Haven’t talked about her in awhile.  This is a topic that makes me hold my head.  Rub my temples.  And, at times, want to scream.
I want to fix the relationship with her and she seems hell bent on messing it up.  One night we made some real head way.  And right in the midst of me sincerely forgiving her because she had finally asked to be and finally admitted to how badly she was she jumped crazy, cuts me off, and got boiling red hot mad at me about something that I won’t believe her about because the evidence is to the ceiling.  She was angry, practically yelling and demanding that I believe her about this thing.  Right in the middle of my reconciling with her.  I had to hang up.

Then she violates one of the two things I told her never to do.  I only have given her two boundaries and she is incapable of adhering to either.  One I deal with.  I work with her on.  The other.  Not negotiable.  And she violated it.  I pointed it out to her.  Nicely.  But firmly letting her know it’s unacceptable and she’s crossing a dangerous line.  She took the mother stance, like I’m her kid and she has the right and informed me that she didn’t care.  She intends to continue.  That it’s her right.  She’s my mother.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I asked her if she understood the long term implications.  She did.  She spelled them out for me and let me know that it didn’t matter to her, she was going to continue this at her every opportunity.  Then she talked and talked over my every word refusing to listen.  I asked her to stop.  She wouldn’t.  I hung up.

On the upswing I’ve become a receipt saving, put it’s total onto a document manic.  My new system is working nicely.  I have one of those coupon holders in my truck and every receipt goes into it.   When I get home I’ve been entering them onto a document I created with headings: gas, food, medical…  I want to set up Quicken, which I’ve owned for a couple years  but only toyed with once.  Need to set aside a few hours.  Haven’t had that availability yet.  But I will.

All this money tracking is creating two things:
One:  making me aware of where it’s going.
Two:  building my confidence in knowing I’m organized.
Three: I’m relaxing a little about the bookkeeping end because I know that everything is neat and tidy.
Four:  Having just how little money I have waved in front of my face makes me paranoid to spend any.   I was rigid and careful with spending before.  Now I’m jumpy.  Tense.  Nervous.  This is the part that frustrates me.  But on the other end of the spectrum it is also creating within me the drive to create more.  To pray, envision, trust and believe that the jobs will come and my needs, and maybe a want of a movie or two, will be met…  I guess all this will even out soon and I’ll be a woman in charge.  Confident and glowing with money and bookkeeping success.

This is a change for me.  And change always brings with it fear and challenge.  But one day that evaporates and it’s just your life.  I’m anxiously awaiting that day.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who just realized that I didn’t post this last night and am just now doing it just as I fly out the door to pick up Zac from school

Becoming 12 is such a big deal in a girls life.  Only one one year till 13–the teens–and another that distances them from being considered “a little kid”.  Most girls are anxious to get past “the little kid” stage by 12.  They’re in middle school now.  Transition is happening in their body, and they want to move solidly into the “teen” stage.  To wear a small heel and longer dangle earrings, carry purses, wear the latest fashion, use lip gloss…

To witness Grace move through this stage has been wonderful.  She maturing into quite a young, confident lady who carries herself very well.  It causes a warm smile to drift into my lips and my eyes to soften as I observe her.

While all of the maturity is going on she and her friends are also in the giddy stage.  A time in a girls life when unbridled happiness is being gushed all over the place.  Grace is the last of my girls that I will have to go through the wonder of this period and I have to say it’s hard to believe that this is almost past.  This is a time that comes and goes quickly and a parent must never hesitate to catch it or risk missing it altogether.  But if they do catch it there’s a lot of wonderful, enriching fun to be had.

This giddy stage is something, that at times, I yearn to embrace in my adult life.   Life of an adult can be so stiff.  So serious.  So full of do’s and don’ts that if we aren’t careful can choke us like smoke that fills the air and leave us gasping and snuffed out from most of the joy, happiness, and wonder of living.

I happen to be an individual that knows the exact moment when my joy was chocked out.  I had a friend point it out.  She said, “Theresa I need to tell you.  To warn you that since the baby has been born I see that the wonderful joy you have always had has left you.  I tell you so that you might get it back.”

I was 27.  I stood in her driveway holding my new born son in my arms.  The first of my two children, both sons, to be born with Spina Bifida.  And I resented her comment.  I couldn’t see the truth of the statement at all.  I was the same as ever.  But I should have had ears to hear.  It would have saved me 18 years of going flat line, icing over, mostly surviving life…

Then there’s my ex-brother in law, who I grew to love almost as much as my own brother after 23 years of being in their family, had a heart attack on Friday.  He’s going to be 60 in June.  That’s young in my mind.  And yet his heart was threatening to give out.  Thanks to the hospitals intervention thankfully he’ll continue here with us.  He’ll have a stint put in and things should be fine.  Being 45 the shock of hearing that someone of his age has had a heart attack doesn’t effect me as it once did.  But, even still, this did cause me to stop, think, and reflect.  Reflect on me.  Reflect on him.   How he’s lived out his life.  Of his family I knew him to laugh more than the rest.  When I think of him typically my mind’s eye sees him with a laugh jiggling his body.  But then he lived a strained life and largely unlived life, in many ways that I’m not at liberty to share, that I do think took it’s toll.

So hearing that he had a heart attack at his young age coupled with watching my daughter and her friends bubble with a love and exuberance for life yesterday, took me deeply into reflection…

I believe life is meant to be a joy.  Meant to be full of laughter and may I say a good bit of silliness.  This thought began a couple years before my divorce when I found myself going around saying, “There’s got to be more to life than this.”  Life with my ex had grown far too serious and by then I had solidly lost my joy.  I had gone from an optimistic, springy, fun seeking person, who my ex had annoyingly remarked, “Your the otter type personality.  You think life is about play and fun.”  He had heard something about personality types being associated to animals and I was, apparently, solidly an otter.  Let’s see what was he??  Can’t remember but it certainly wasn’t an otter.  Even with my lack of otteryness he still saw me as one.

Since my divorce I’ve been coming out of my negativity.  Attempting to move back into being an otter… just one with sensible grounding when need be.  But I will say that the progress has been too slow and since yesterday I’ve been thinking…

I need to take my life and all I have to do, with all that’s swirling around me, and keep the smile.  Keep the joy.  Keep the laughter and mirth amongst it all.  Lean solidly into happiness.  Embrace the otter while I work.  Like Snow White’s Drawfs–whistle while I work.

This is my focus.  This is my desire.  This is my goal.  Just thought I’d share.
How about you??  Where is your joyness?  Your happiness?  Your silliness with life? What’s your personality type.  Do share…

Night, love ya,
Theresa
-btw I Googled the whole animal personality thing and it seems my ex is a beaver.  Want to know yours? Here’s a fun link: Personality Types with a table that you can expand if you like on the link underneath.  I have to say that the entire otter column is so me.  And I couldn’t help but giggle when I saw that that Snoopy from the Peanuts gang is another animal I’m in line with.  Why the giggle?  Well, since I was two or three I have love the Peanuts Gang and my favorite has always been him.  My first cat when I was two or three was named Snoopy and it was a girl.  I’m also in line with Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh.  To say the least he has always been my absolute favorite too!   Not only that but the Swing Dance is there as well.  And of all the dances in the world I regret not learning it would be that dance, and sadly I do believe that it’s too late now!
I think this table is helping it to all come clear as to why, as I shared a couple weeks back, I’m not what you might call a “book keeping” type which also made getting my taxes assembled such a struggle.  LOL!

After my shower Cal, Grace, and I went to the bank and opened a business checking account for Free the Mind Productions.  Exciting!  Another step in the “business direction”.  While at the bank Blessing, my oldest daughter, met up with us.  She was all aglow from spending her first night in her first apartment.  I am so proud of her.  She passed through the tears and made it over the hump… out of the nest and into the world of independence.  As we browsed the door pulls at Hobby Lobby, a feature she intends to add to her kitchen door cabinets very soon, I asked her how her first night sleep went.  Was she bothered by all the new sounds and the foreignness of it all?  She said, “Not at all.  I felt perfectly at home.” 

At Walmart we both made keys for each other to exchange.  She needed another of mine since I gave Grace the one she had.  While the keys were being cut Caleb said to me, “I should have a key to your apartment for the times I come over really early and you’re still in bed.  That way you won’t have to get up and let me in.”  How can you say no to that?    Also bought another Monopoly Game for my kids so they have one for when they’re here.  The idea came from their frustration of having to pick it up and take it home every time.  I suggested that they start a game and continue to play no matter who is or isn’t here.  That’s a lot like real life… someone slacks off in their business and another, sharper, more on the ball business person grabs up their slack or a business simply tapers off because they don’t do the work to keep it alive.  However, they will pay rent to the ones that own certain property whether or not they are here, because in real life they would get those earnings.  They have to begin the game with everyone who wants to play for at least 1 1/2-2 hours so everyone has a shot at the start.  The kids loved the idea and now I have a way that I can play with them.  Monopoly requires quite a time commit.  So I typically bow out since I’m usually working while they’re here.  Now I can bounce in and out for short periods.    While at Walmart I also bought a large Rubbermaid pitcher.  One of those items that I never seem to get purchased.  The plus was that the sucker was on sale, $2.50, can you beat that??  So while Blessing chose her Kool-Aid packets, Caleb used my pitcher purchase as a reason to sway me into “finally” purchasing Kool-Aid for them.

Left my kids at 12 o’clock, still in Walmart with Blessing to go to a meeting for John Solomon and myself for the purpose of beginning to give shape to the idea that resulted from the meeting earlier this morning.   We also worked to get the new, super great mic that John Solomon has loaded onto his computer.  However with all our efforts and Apple’s support, we still don’t have lift off on this installment.  However we do have a work ticket in with the mic company…next week.

Four hours later I was one the road toward the home of the twins that I care/work for so their parents could go out.  At 7 the calls from my sons began with their requesting, then complaining that I wasn’t going to get home early enough to bring them to my house to sleep over.   Lot’s of ideas were shared.  None were going to fly.  Like, “I’m almost 11 (in 6 months) I can stay there by myself.”  Nor did it work for any older sibling stay here with them till I got back.  On the other hand Grace is here.  She was at a party that was done at 10:30.  15 minutes after I was done working.  Sarah went and got her and I met them in their driveway right about the time they got back.  She fell asleep long ago on my couch watching “The Robots” movie.  Which I left running and is just getting done.  Perfect timing.  Because I’m done…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

-Started the day with a 9 a.m. business meeting with John Solomon, John Mark, and our newest business apprentice, Leah.
-Then off to Zac’s school to meet with the nurse and principal about various aspects of Zac’s life at school and how to keep him on track with his studies.  That requires a meeting with me and all the teachers on Monday.
-Then back across town to Walmart to get some food and make myself something to eat.  Put a movie on to watch while I ate and fell asleep shortly after I was done eating.
-Woke.
-Went to my kids house to meet the bus when Zac got home to speak with the driver about the possiblity of him eating one of his snacks, fruit, on his way home.  Which he’s now going to do.
-Then off to get Caleb from Extended Day, but not Dan because he went home with his friend Brent.
-Then to the computer at my kids house to research what type of an LLC we were going to be:  a partnership, a S corp or a corp.  Finally made the decision of which of the three, this enabled me to go to the IRS site and get our Tax ID number.  Two and a half hours later I has holding the paper work that contained said number.
-Then to make dinner for Zac.  Everyone else had pizza their father brought home from the Friday night pizza special from Wholefoods.
-Then upstairs to my girl’s room, Grace and Sarah’s, to announce that the “Alice in Wonderland” movie released and we need to go.  Tonight.  To the next showing.  They didn’t agree that they needed to go.  They weren’t very interested.  However, if bribed: have me pay for half their ticket or buy popcorn and soda, they would overcome their disinterest and go with me.  Hummmm, that wasn’t happening for two girls who earn their own money and don’t have bills to pay and aren’t losing work/money due to the health of their brother.  So it was decided that I would go with Zac, who gets in free at our local Carmike theater, on another day.  I had a gift to wrap for a friend’s birthday and Grace decided that the fun thing would be to use her colorful word stickers rather than use tape to secure the edges, so she overtook the wrapping task while I lounged on her bed growing sleepy.
-Went home with a few of my kids, but not Dan, he’s sleeping over at Brent’s. 
-We watched “Cast Away” together.
-At 11 p.m. I had a business meeting…again, because we needed to cover more information from the meeting earlier and the most available time we all had was then.
-Got home at 1 a.m., Caleb was still awake although is older sisters, one being 17, were sound asleep.
-Now I’m blogging 
-Then I’m going to bed.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who is craving a toasted marshmellow

It’s so amazing to believe that she is moving.  Hard to even process at times.  But here she is, 19 going on 20 renting her first apartment.  Such a healthy step forward.  A needed step.  I think when Blessing was born she was already 10 years old.  She’s always been ahead of herself.  More than one person has said she’s an old soul and no statement could be truer.  But then Bless is a real family person.  She loves us all to bits and pieces, she’s very mothering, so leaving is very, very hard.  I think tomorrow she will be much better.  Once she’s in and her furniture is placed in it’s proper locations.  That will make a big difference.  Tonight I ambled around with her for almost two hours after cleaning up from the meal because as she said, “This is my last night here.”

Beyond moving things with Blessing, Zac was home from school again.  Last night he mentioned that his head was hurting a lot and his father and I felt it best he get another days rest.  And he needed it.  He slept till after 11 a.m.  He was looking much better this evening, thank goodness so he’ll be off again tomorrow.  Not that he’s been missing school by any stretch of the imagination 

Had a full day today on top of everything I worked for almost five hours, caring for the twins I watch.  I do love those two little toddlers.  I always wanted twins so this is my slice of life enjoying a set.  Although I will say that it’s nice not to have to have them 24/7.  That part of my life is in the past now and it’s okay.  With 8 babies one gets their fill of babies 24/7.  Shall we say one becomes ready for the little ones to get older.  Of course then they get so “older” that they suddenly rent an apartment, move out, and start their own life and you’re left standing there thinking, “Wow, look at that.  My parenting just moved to a completely different level.  I am now a parent to an adult.  Essentially parenting is over.”  Having a 25 year old son immersed me into this facet of life but that was a long time ago frankly, this is almost like starting over, but not quite.  I’ve learned a lot.  But nothing really changing that there is a major transition that occurs.  Nothing.

Otherwise, had a phone meeting and researched various things in order to get our tax ID for Free the Mind Productions.  Which, BTW I filed the paper for yesterday!  That was an exciting moment.  March 3, 2010 became the official day that we were “announced to the world”.  The numbers on that date add up to 9, I really need to look up the meaning to 9.  Do you know what it’s significance is? That leave the tax ID, some legal decisions of how we want that established then I can secure it.  Then a checking account.  Then a Paypal business account.

This is all tremendous, our “business” is suddenly taking shape into a “real business”.  And there’s more to come, businesswise.  I’ll keep you posted.

Want you to know I wasn’t going to blog tonight.  The day has been jammed full and I’m ready for bed, but then I thought, I need to I didn’t yesterday and so much has happened then and today how can I not “fill you in”?  “Keep you posted”.  “Up to date”.  “Current”.     

Now you’re current…
Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-whose watching another of her chicks leave the nest tomorrow…

My children play Monopoly a lot.  This would be because of Grace.  She is determined to be as rich as Trump and become his apprentice on her way to her wealth.  She will be 12 March 28 and has watched this man’s shows for years with every bit of addiction as my mom had with her soap operas as I grew up.  I learned all this one night as we lay in the dark of my bedroom and talked waiting for sleep to overtake us.

How is it that Monopoly and Trump go together??  She heard him say that he played it all the time as he grew up and it had an influence on his success today.  Ergo Monopoly playing.  And her Monoploy board has seen its share of pieces moving round the board.  She also knows a bit of Monopoly trivia as well…  They were discussing the pieces and how boring most were and she informed her less knowledgable siblings, that the game was created during a time when people had very little money…

Most of the time my face was broad with a girn as worked and listened to them exchange their wins and losses.  But then as time clicked past and more and more wealth piled up, in the form of property cards and fake money, the words “shut up” and “stupid” began to pepper the air.  Know these are all my children.  I don’t see any as “stupid” so I’m always compelled to jump in and correct such ridiculous comments.   In response to “shut up” I was encouraging a nicer choice: be still, be quiet, oh hush, don’t say that…  I wasn’t telling them to not let the other know that their comments weren’t wanted,  just find a better way to express it.  I even encouraged them to support each other in trying to redirect their word choices.

Dan, who was stationed behind my lap top, laughed at this a good bit but offered no imput.  The others?  Well, all suggestions to both corrections received eyes rolling, sighs, and statements such as, “What?  It’s not a big deal, we’re not mad at each other”.  “You’re too sensitive.”  “What’s the problem, we don’t mind.”

So much for parenting.  For attempting to give positive direction to their growing minds and intellect.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

So here’s how I RESPOND-sibilited .. for months…

BACKED OFF:

• Stopped calling.
• Didn’t take advantage of situations where we were in the same place, like in “their” father’s house with my other children, to attempt to engage “them” in conversation
• If “they” interacted with me I was careful with my RESPONDses, kept it to the reason “they” were talking to me and I only embraced that moment: I didn’t go on to look for any more from them, then or after.
• I kept my pain to myself and looked for nothing from them to ease it.  I had created it, I deserved what I got, I needed to be a big girl and swallow it.
• When there was opportunity I mildly suggested that “they” consider !BLAM!ming me.

Thankfully “they” have done mini-!BLAM!s a few times so far.
When “they” have I…

TOOK RESPOND-sbility:

• SHUT my mouth.
• Done my level best to not cry.  This was about them not me.
• I didn’t correct or interrupt.
• When “they” were done I would say:
  –”I agree with everything you said.  You’re absolutely right, I did do those things.  I’m very sorry for hurting you and causing you pain when you were a child.”
  –Another time “they” mini !BLAM!med me “they” weren’t so very upset and coming right at me with seething anger, so I felt I might be able to say just a bit more…so I re-said what I said above and added:
  “I’m thankful you told me this.  You’ve helped me see things about myself that I did wrong and can still do.   Now that I see what you’ve shared I can fix it and I’m going to.”
• In every case I asked, “Do you want me to respond or would you rather just end right here?”  I felt it important to ask this question.  To show that I cared about what they said and I just needed to know what they wanted/needed from me.

If they said they were done, I said, “Ok,”  and WALKED away.
WHY??
BECAUSE:

• What had been important was that “they” had done what “they” had needed, at that moment.   Expelled the poison.  Began to cleanse the toxins from their system.
• That was what was respectful.  How dare I arrogantly decide that this needed to be dealt with longer?  That would be being a bully and controlling, even though what I would have said would have been to have supported what was said.  Anything I would have said would’ve fallen on deaf agitated ears and only proved that I was all they said, I continue to be, I won’t change, and they are right to cut me out.

If “they” wanted a response.  I gave it.

Although they never said it I can tell you that they needed a response because they needed me to “prove” my WORDS: “I’m so very sorry for hurting you as a child.”
To hear and feel if I was genuine…

Their UNSAID screaming QUESTion was…
“Yeah! If you’re so sorry then PROVE it.
Tell me what YOU did,
support my points…”

So I did…
Tomorrow I’ll show how I went about saying more…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-whose wondering if anyone has their experiences to share in my comments???