“Theresa tell me very brief answers about how your mother, father and Scott saw/felt about you…”  “Good.”  “Now what effect did that have on you?”
With some guidance this is what I listed on my paper their “stuff” and mine: No self worth
, No love for myself, 
Desperate, 
Illegitimate child, 
Hated.
“Very good.  Now summarize the list with one word.”
“Worthless.”

Blah.  Yucky word.  Not one I’m particularly proud of.  The worse part is that all these years I’ve been going through life feeling that way.  At times consciously but all the time unconsciously.  Therefore its been effecting me across the chess board of my life.  Since that is what I felt, I’ve been projecting it to the world and expecting to be treated that way.  Not great.

Ultimately this word became my identity: who and what I believed I was
Which became my persona: What I believe, feel, my emotions, thoughts…
Then it became my mask:  my hiding behind my beliefs, feelings, emotions, thought…

The mask was always:  KEEPing me from getting what I wanted,  KEEPing me from seeing my good,  KEEPing me only having minimal success or from any success at all, caused me to make wrong decisions, and kept me from peace, happiness, joy, and self-worth.
Shut up, in the Keep*.
Imprisoned in the iron mask.
Cut off.  Trapped, since I was young, in a pit that held me in it’s depth .  It was so deep that when I looked up all I could see was the darkness of the sky.  But thankfully, always, there were the twinkling of stars urging me to come forth.  And I wanted to.  But the sides were porcelain smooth and no ladder like handles protruded it’s glassy sides to provide a way of escape.  All I could do was reach.  Never knowing that the way out was always right there in my grasp: removing the mask.

In order to remove the mask I had to first see it.  Really see it.  Not just mouth the words: “I can, more times than not, feel worthless.”  No, the iron that shaped my suffocating mask had to materialize so I could see it’s every pore and divot.  See the poxed impressions it was making into my skin.  Threatening to permanently brand me.  I had to have eyes to see it.

The journey to vision has been arduous and very “Wonderland,” as explained in the last post.  Over the years I’ve: worked on my issues, they’ve been tough to see and tough to kick, come to see startling revelation and more painful truths of my what my parents were really like when I was growing up and as well as my ex then I already saw on my own, had to come to see the effect it played on me.  The process has been very “backwards.”  And well it should have been.  I had to tear myself down in order to get to the foundation.  Private coaching sessions, classes, meditation CD’s, meditation, prayer, and books galore.  Tears and pain.  Frustration and Fear.  Anger and rage. Depression, hurt, and confusion.  And all sand castles had to be swept out to sea. I had to come out of my “Matrix.”

It’s all taken some time, but One shouldn’t wake up too fast it may kill them…

But it’s returning to me a life and clarity.  Both my birthright.  Everyone’s birthright.  But for some like me, and likely many of us, it was beaten out of us mentally and physically by our parents, before it ever had the chance to burst forth into blossom.  Crushed in it’s bud state.

Now my mask has materialized.  I’ve begun to rip it off.  Because now I really can.

Will the real Theresa Jane please stand up???  Well, finally she is beginning to…

Theresa Jane
-*Keep:the dungeon of a castle.  Interesting eh?
One more post to go… But for now…what are your masks?  I urge you to follow your white rabbit, to see what you’ve been missing, whats been there all along.  It’s blocking you from having a real life and keeping you locked with “sloppy logic.” And the clock keeps ticking…

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall…
When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go…
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen’s “off with her head!
“
Remember what the dormouse said;
“feed YOUR HEAD.  Feed your head.…

Over the last six year of tunneling into my unconscious and desiring to connect with my sub-conscious in order to become conscious and experience inner healing, I have done a lot of falling.  I have had more moments than imaginable where what had seemed logical to me at one time, needed to go all sloppy dead.  And so I replaced it with true logic.  Then there have been realities I have had to face at times that have seared so deeply that it seemed my head floated off and and I tripped out into the delirium that pain inflicts.  In that place White Knights were talking backwards and chessboard men were telling me where to go.  And more times then I can count the Red Queen has been waving her hand in the air screaming, “Off with her head.”  And it only stood to reason, my head needed to come off.  I needed to replace it with reality.   Then finally I have needed to feed my head.  Feed it with truth.  The only way to true healing.  True awakening.  In the words of Jesus, “The truth shall set you free.”   True.  True.  But let me tell you friend, it’s going to hurt like hell first…

Grace Slick at Woodstock singing, White Rabbit

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.3964324&w=425&h=350&fv=]

Now I know that that song is about drugs. But walk with me.  If you’re like me you’ve seen that life has many strange ways and things it uses to prepare us.  To send us in another direction.  To guide us and help us to arrive on our distant shores.  Signs and wonders put there to assist us…   And the timing isn’t always important.  The moment is what’s important.  Keep living and the moments loop and link and direct.  That being the case that song served a meaningful purpose.  And if that be true it follows that when I went to Disney about six years ago I should run into Alice’s “White Rabbit.”  Right at the time that I was one step across the threshold of my mid-life experience.  At the beginning of my striving to really wake up, like in the Matrix Movie, which I had for the first time viewed just 4 1/2 months prior and was still living with the effects of it totally cracking my brain awake and not surprisingly, but not noted with much attention on my part at the time, was loaded with its white rabbit…

Prior to Disney I hadn’t given much thought to the “White Rabbit” song, largely due to turning from my days of Rock and Roll, drugs and drinking.   But the instant I saw that life sized, snow white rabbit there was a shutter in the time continuum and I was propelled backwards, to my days of Janice Joplin’s  “White Rabbit”.  Only to be slung shot right back to the present.  As my body burbled through the vast energies that had captured it, my mind free floated and peered through a watery purple haze.  Unbearably conscious of the fact that, “Oh my God.  Another white rabbit.  I’ve tumbled down a rabbit hole.  I’m my own Alice.   Things are going to get bizarre.”

As it turned out that was the only character that I had my picture taken with–been there three times since and not once have I seen it again– and once it was developed I backed it with tape and stuck it to my bathroom mirror where it’s been ever since.  As a constant reminder that I’ve tumbled deep in a rabbit hole and I better run to keep up so his white fur won’t disappear over the horizon leaving me in Wonderland.  But also assuring me that if I do keep up, just like Alice, I will emerge into the light.  Transformed.

To be continued…
Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who found that I got about 17-20 views from alphainventions so I was seen at any rate.  The proof is in the pudding on this one though, will my numbers go up consistently?  And will there be anyone making comments??  The jury is still out on this one.

Done a lot of thinking about this.  Drummed my fingers on my desk more than once contemplating it.  Began and scrapped a bunch of prior attempts.  What am I talking about?  The part of my life I only hint at.  You know, you’ve seen the bits trickle into my blog.  Where I mention appointments with my life coach, inner healing work, waking up, becoming conscious, and all those books psychology/spiritual books that are crammed among the chick lit and horror on my Shelfari shelf…–lots of words there I know.  After all this time I myself don’t know exactly how to label this whole thing.

I’ve gone back and forth on this note.  Should I share?  Yes, I should.  Then.  No.  No I shouldn’t.  Well today I decided.  Yes.  I’ll share.  Why?  Well, this journal is about me.  About my journey into the new me–well, really the me that’s always been there, it’s just that she/me/I was on the other side of the looking glass–My trip down the rabbit hole.  My going to ask Alice.  The trek to find me in the newest of terms.  Yes to become… a business woman.  But there is so much more then I put in my “about me.”  That was the tip, hinting at more.

And today begins the “more”.   Especially since I went and did it again, had another stop business day, as I had mentioned I might do yesterday, therefore it must bleed over into my blog making it business free.  The direction was spurred on by the fact that I began my day with an intense session with my life coach.  Making it the logical place to begin this post as well as begin to take you deeper into my rabbit hole.

It isn’t by mistake that my side bar, on my Blogger Blog and under About me on my WordPress blog reads as it does.  And, as a side note, why I didn’t come up with a name for my blog that played off from Alice in Wonderland I’ll never know.  Since I have a looooonnnggg history with good old Alice and white rabbits…

In my life I’ve taken many trips.  I’ve seen a lot of our country on them and then I’ve seen a lot of, well, not our country on others.  During those my eyes were bloodshot, squinting through smoke, and you might hear me say, as I exhaled, through small gasps, “Damn.  This is some good shit.”

Once upon a time I took these trips because, being a kid, I was trapped.  Couldn’t get out of the horrid home that I lived in, so I found other ways to trip on out.  Into other unseen lands where I followed many a psychedelic white rabbit…

Back then Rock and Roll was it for me.  Loved the stuff.  Loved the whole movement it represented.  Had I piled my records from the floor up they would have reached the top of my head and Jefferson Airplane was up there at the top.  Burned holes through their vinyl.  In my mind Grace Slick was one of the greatest female singers of her time.  And her song “White Rabbit” was my favorite.  I never knew why.  I just connected with it.  When that song came on I could be in a room full of people surging with booze and drugs and I would stop dead, as if to pay homage.  To listen and sing along till it was done.

I never could explain it before.  Defiantly not back in the day.  Then it was, “I love that fucking song.”  Now, as I rethink it, I think in some strange way I was forward seeing into my future.  Preparing myself.  Preparing to be ready to tumble down the deepest rabbit hole of my life.  To be ready and willing to go…

More tomorrow, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-don’t worry we’re going somewhere.  It’s just that in order to get there we have to sit and drink some tea with the Mad Hatter and listen to his ramblings…