I was standing next to a pile of small rocks stacked in the shape of a pyramid that came to the height of my waist and I knew that they represented my need to argue and be angry.

A voice said to me, “Of what worth are those rocks?”

I looked down at them, contemplated the question and said, “They could be used in laying a foundation but I would never want anger and arguing to be at the foundation of something I would build.”

“And yet they are.  Within you you carry them as a foundational energy.  They create blocks in your energy keeping you from free flowing peace.  Rocks in a stream bed cause the water to bubble and churn.  At this time this is how your peace flows through you, random moments frequently disturbed by the rocks.  Tell me,

“What do rocks become?”
“They break down into sand.”
“What can be made from sand?”
“Glass.”
“Glass is clear.  Become clear with peace.  Transform your rocks into glass. ”

“What else do rocks become?”
“They eventually become soil.”
“What grows from soil?”
“Plants.”
“Plants have life and in turn give life.  Become the life of peace.   Transform your rocks into soil . . .
“Become peace.”

Love ya,
Theresa

At 5 I was driving with my daughters, Daughter 2 (younger) and Daughter 1 (Older).  The conversation went something like this with the names changed to protect the innocent and me from hearing how I talked about them on my blog in a “negative” way )

Daughter 1: “I’ll pick you up from school on Monday so we can go to the Chiropractor so don’t get on the bus wait for me in the lobby.” (their schools get out 15 minutes apart)
Daughter 2: “I can’t, we aren’t allowed to be in the lobby after school.”
Daughter 1: “You’re not?  Why”
Daughter 2: “I don’t know we just aren’t”
Daughter 1: “Okay then wait in the bathroom.  When I get there I’ll text you so you know I’m there.”
Daughter 2: “I can’t do that.”
Daughter 1: “Why not?”
Daughter2: “I don’t think we’re allowed to do that.”
Daughter 1: “Who is going to know?  There’s lots of after school activities there will be kids everywhere.”
Daughter2: “I don’t think I should do that.”
Me: “Tell them you missed the bus and you have to wait for your sister in the lobby.”
Daughter 2: “They’ll get upset with me for missing the bus.”
Me: “It happens, what are they going to do tell you not to wait in the lobby or the office or anything. I mean where are you going to wait if you happen to miss the bus on the ceiling or dissipate into thin air?  They’ve got to let you wait.
Daughter 1 and Daughter 2: Laughter….
Me: “Okay then just walk to your sister’s car then. (their schools are right next to each other)
Daughter 2: “Can’t.  It’s not allowed.”
Me: “What is allowed in schools anymore??  I mean my word this is ridiculous.  How do you even know that, its not in the handbook?”
Daughter 2: “The principal was out front the other day and one of the kids tried to walk over to her brother’s car and he stopped her.”
“Me: “Then wait till he’s gone before you leave the building and leave on the opposite end, go out the car pool side.  No one is going to see you.”  (Of course this answer made me think to myself, “Oh God what kind of a mother am I I’m teaching my kid to break rules…”)
Daughter 1: “Yeah sister that’ll work.”
Daughter 2: “If someone sees me I’ll get into trouble.”
Me: “Then go see a teacher for extra help, you must need help with something.”
Daughter 2: “I’m really doing ok with everything right now so that wouldn’t work.”

Daughter 2 and I came up with a few more scenarios and all were met with some type of no and then I got annoyed.  Nerve scarping annoyed.  This is my child who doesn’t look for solutions to anything almost ever so its already something that gets to me.  But before I could say anything Daughter 1 did.

Daughter 1: “Sister! You’ve got to have some solution that you can do.  Look for solutions Sister.  Look for solutions,”  she said with a laugh and I chimed in and repeated the need to seek some kind of a solution, however my chime had a bit of an edge to it, a little forcefulness with the underlying insistence that said without saying, “For heaven sake stop making this so difficult, pick one of the ideas we gave you we gave you up-teem.”

Then, at the same time I realized I was getting less then peaceful, Daughter 2 said, “Mom you don’t have to get upset about it.”

BAM nailed lack of peace and love.  I’m just glad I haven’t made the grand pronouncement to my kids what my resolution for this year is otherwise her response would have been laced with a lot of comments about my resolution and how I’m not working very hard at it at the moment. . .  because if any of my kids are good at zinging someone with directness it’s Daughter 2 for sure.  So I got through that one with just me to contemplate my loss of peace and thenI reeled myself back in, did some deep breathing to bring myself to center and asked her, nicely, to just think about which option she wanted to go with and then let me know.

So I press onward and upward as I march forward with this resolution, ever determined that I’m going to make it!
Love ya,
Theresa

I had grown up in anger, used anger to cover pain and hurt, responded with its sharp edge to send a strong message to whoever might be coming across like they were attacking or hurting me in any way to let them know that they couldn’t hurt me.   It was my defense and boy was I defensive.

With over forty years of reinforcement this area of my life has presented me with nothing but a struggle to overcome. To some degree, in spite of the work I have done in and outside of sessions, I lacked sincerity in practicing the techniques I was being taught.   My sincerity went sorely lacking when I would get annoyed, upset, or felt threatened. Then I would throw my teaching straight out the window in a fervor of irritation proclaiming that I was ticked and that was that and I was going to be ticked.   I had every reason to be ticked/angry.  Afterward I would always regret it of course but then it was too late.

I’m far worse with some people than others.  My children and most outside people not so much.   Unfortunately the one I’m far worse with is my ex.   My couch told him he has the same problem, he’s addicted to arguing and with me.  So once we push each other’s buttons it’s like the bell at a boxing match, we’re both in the center of the ring, gloves up, dancing around waiting to see who takes the first swing so we can get our fix.

Through the years my couch would ask me how things were going with my fighting, arguing, and anger especially when it came to my ex and I would want to disappear into the seat.  I felt like a broken record.  Seriously you could press play on the recording, the answer was the same.  Over the years we’ve talked about it so much I’m just going to go ahead and say it, I got sick and tired of talking about it.  Even though we did talk about other things with the frequency that this came up it felt like there wasn’t anything else.  At times I would think, “Can’t we talk about something else for crying out loud?”

Then in this last year, to my surprise, I reached a point where I feared that I was never going to have real transformation to this problem.  Even though I had been able to overcome my addiction to smoking pot literally overnight I was finding this addiction to be like quitting cigarettes is to most people, impossible.  I became totally fearful that I was going to stay stuck in this mire forever.  But I didn’t say it out loud.  However one day to my surprise someone else did, someone I respect highly, in irritation they said, “I didn’t think you’re ever going to overcome your anger, this is going be an issue for you the rest of my life.”  Ouch. Sting. Burn. Not that they knew it but I cried over that and felt like a complete miserable failure in life and wanted to hide.

Even though I had been going around afraid that I was a hopeless case it took an outsider to speak the same thought to push me out of my self-pitying “stuckness”.  I squared my shoulders and decided that I didn’t have to accept that prediction for my life from anyone.  I have overcome so many things I can overcome this.  I can transform my anger into peace and love.

So began the challenge and that’s when little things started to happen.

More about that next time,
Love ya,
Theresa

The Beetles sang about starting a revolution to change the world in their song Revolution.  Once upon its day I learned to really like that song and its dum ditty, dum ditty beat but today I view revolution for world change through a different lense.  Back in the day I was all about world peace and radical liberal thinking, but I had no clue how to access that possibility and I didn’t give it any thought either.  I guess I assumed the world would start talking about it and we’d all jump on board because everyone would see the absolute need to stop the killing and the evil that lurked through every crack around the world.  But I had no plan.  I didn’t really know anyone who did.

Today I see the near lunacy of that approach.  I realize that if there is to be world peace it must begin in me and within each individual on the planet.  As Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  If I can’t even get along with those in my own family how on this earth am I to do it with others down the street let alone those that are around the world??

World peace begins within, one person at a time.

As I mentioned in my last blog I am all about changing the world that is within me; peace and love are my focus for this year.   To quell my anger that can all too easily ooze out onto others.  This is the year that Theresa/me starts a revolution within herself/me, the year she lays her “guns” down and waves the white flag of surrender.  Surrender to peace and love.  Surrender to the words of Christ that says to have peace with all men, to have it beyond all understanding, and to love one another always.  Surrender to the love and peace that are already within me.

When I was created, when we were all created, I/we were instilled with love and peace from the Creator of our life and flesh.  Throughout every cell and corpuscle there already exists these two qualities, however time and suffering have caused me/us to shovel mountains of suffocating dirt on top of them and create a block within that stifles love and peace.  So my plan is to get in touch with the anger.  To shovel till the blade scraps love and peace and I can loosen and lift it out from the grave it has been buried in so it can blossom and release its fragrance for the world to enjoy.

When Christ suggested that we love one another He didn’t mean when I felt like it, He meant always, even when someone is  ticking me off.  LOL.

It is now time to look past my ticked and what they‘re doing and to the underlying reason for my anger which lies within me and completely outside of what they are doing.  No one can make me angry, I choose anger in response to some issue that I have.  Whatever they are doing is simply pushing a well worn button somewhere within me, and when that occurs I can do one of two things, get angry or allow it to give me the opportunity to discover one of my hidden issues and heal it.  Transform the button/anger into something beautiful like love and peace.

This will be my year and I have a plan.  8-) 

After being gone so long from blogging I find myself a bit at a loss of where to begin and for some odd reason what keeps running through my head is what my cousin used to say when he arrived someplace back in the 80′s he’d arrange his fingers in the peace sign and with a smirk say, “Peace, love, dove.”

I guess this is possibly some unconscious reaction rising from within me since my resolution for 2011 is to have peace that transcends a zen master, or at least that would bring a smile to his face in approval, and to have love that oozes out of me like warm honey from one of those cute plastic bear squeezey bottles.  Where the dove fits in all of this beats me, but it does give it a zippy rhythm sound.

At any rate this does give me a starting place so, “Peace, love, dove, everyone I’ve missed you all so much.”

I haven’t posted since June I think, the month that Zac’s pressure sore, “took on a life of it’s own and escalated”, to quote the doctor.  There is no way that I can ever catch you up on all that has happened over the months, however I will give you the highlights.  He had two surgeries.  After the first he was with me for 10 days.  I have never cared for someone so sick in all my life he vomited frequently, he slept for what seemed too long, and he didn’t eat enough to keep a bird alive.  I slept on the end of his twin bed the first few nights because he was afarid to be alone and I was afraid to leave and go to my room, and I lost so much weight my pants hung on me.

Three times a day I packed the sore with 8 feet of gauze, covered, and taped it off with thick white8″x8″ bandaging and I kept everything so clean his father told me I was maybe I was obsessing too much, I was more sterile then the hospital.  Maybe I was, my hands were cracked and bleeding from all the washing, but I couldn’t help it, after the doctor’s first surgery he cut away the dead skin the sore was the size and depth that would challenge a Marine’s stomach, I saw 4 inches of his bone and it was larger than his father’s hand.  Every time I went to remove the bandage I knealt beside the bed, took many slow deep breaths, and began to sing him a lullaby I made up and sang to all my kids when they were babies, it steadied me and gave me the strength to get through the process, “I love you Zachary, you know I do, I love you Zachary you know it’s true, I love you Zachary you know I do, I loooveee you.”  I sang it over and over while my hands trembled and my head had just the tiniest floaty.

After the 10 days with me he was re-admitted to the hospital.  For a week they got him ready for the second surgery, to remove the 4 inches of bone I had packed gauze around.  For the three weeks that followed the surgery, his father and I rotated staying with him and he was released with a pic line in his arm so I could administer IV anti-boitic meds four times a day, 8, 4, 8, midnight, and nurse visits commenced three times a week, they changed the Wound Vac bandaging.  A nifty gadget to say the least.  There was a package that contained a 2 inch black sponge to be cut to fit the wound, a thin transparent bandage material to spread over the top, the nurses cut a hole at it’s center and inserted a tube that ran to the vac machine.  Once the machine was turned on, there was a quick sucking sound and the sponge was sucked flat like the clothes in the plastic bags that are vac packed on the TV commercials, everything collapsed under the clear bandage.  All I can say is thank God he has zero feeling from mid-waist down.  This machine ran day and night continuously sucking away the debris from the wound, through the tube, into a canister.  This is a great machine but let me just say that it can have it’s tricky moments that caused the alarm to sound and demand attention to fix it and always between the hours of midnight and five am.

Zac has had to remain in his bed all this time and on his side only, there was to be no weight applied to the sore.  He only got out to go to the hospital once a month, and what a process that was, my son John had is shoulders, his father his legs, me his bottom as we walked him to the car.  We laid him across the seat, buckled him in, and once we got to the  hospital we had to find someone to bring a stretcher to lay him on.

Life for Zac has been in the bed.  He ate there, did his school work there, was bathed there, his teacher’s twice weekly visits took place there, and his bowels had to have their treatment that he needs to do every night as a normal process for his wheelchair bound life, were done from there.  The bowels were what his father has done everyday throughout the process except when he was with me and he was in the hospital then we rotated.

I have barely worked till 2 weeks ago and until the beginning of December I lived at the children’s/ex-husband’s house and my ex stayed in my apartment. There was too much to be done with Zach on a daily basis to reasonably do anything else and his father had to keep working, he gets the big money, he can’t just stop going to work.  Since I work for myself I could stop.

The financial hit to my life has cost me a great deal the end of November I transferred to a one bedroom apartment and killed cable TV.  The kids got me a RoKu box for Christmas so they could watch Netflix’s when at my place.  Personally my first pick for Christmas was a Color Nook, that would have been a choice ”for me”, but at the very least I don’t have to pay for a RoKu now and I would have to, I mean, picture three-four of my kids at my small apartment and no TV…  So the Color Nook has been moved to my Birthday list and between you and me, if my kids want to give me an early b-day gift and get this for me before time then I am all for it.

Christmas was one of the best we have ever had in all the years of divorce.  It even snowed down here in Alabama, the trees limbs were draped in fluffy white snow reminding me how beautiful the winters of NY were and caused me to miss them, but only for a brief moment.  A trip to the snow covered deck to enjoy the wet flakes reminded me just how cold and slippery those beautiful crystals actually were.

Today, I am back in my apartment and after looking for work for over a month, it seems I have secured a position with a new family.  So far all systems are go, I meet the family on Friday evening and start next week, thank goodness.  Oh and Zac’s kidneys are doing very well, they would have likely been healed by now had it not been for the extensive anti-biotics he has had to take and he should be in school next week.  The sore has closed to the point of being the size of a small pimple, so soon the bandage changes will be over and he will be back to wheeling all over the house and school once, and will finally be able to go to the movies again, something he has dearly missed.  He never got a chance to see Inception on the big screen

I’ll talk at ya again soon,
Theresa

Got something you need a new perspective on??  Get away from it for awhile.  Your focus will clear like a bright and sunny day.

Ain’t life great?!!!!!!!

Love ya,
Theresa Jane

Oh and BTW I love this song:

I must pause here and mention that as I type this I’m Iming with my son Zac on Facebook whose informing me that: “Your not going to like this but guess what?  Caleb signed himself up on Facebook.  He said he was going to tell you but I knew he wouldn’t and he said that he would say that he saw how much fun Facebook is and he wanted one”.  All I could say to him was, “Oh that stinker!!! and since I was already texting with my daughter Blessing I told her this little piece of information and then added, “My children!  LOL”  Of which she concurred   I’m also texting my other son John as we create a new web site.  LOL.  Technology!!!  Keeps you jumping that’s for sure!!  If not down right splintered at times.

So what’s the web site that we’re working on???????  This is what raises my ordinary day out from the dum dittiness and ramps it to something spectacular.  Remember I mentioned there were new things on the horizon and I couldn’t wait to tell you??  Well I can tell you a chunk today!  And that is that today we officially had our first church service.  That’s right we are now a 501 c3.  A church.  Our name is: Harmoney Health Wealth Spiritual Church.  We had seven in attendance, besides our teacher of course.

Now I know that this has raised some surprised eyebrows.  If not I have to say I’m the one surprised, since I’ve never mentioned or even hinted at this before.    So what are we about???  Weeeellllll, right off the bat I want to say that we aren’t your ordinary church.  We are a 21st century church to be sure.  First of all we don’t and won’t teach doctrine.  That’s for individuals to receive from their home churches.  Ergo the reason we don’t meet on Sundays.  We don’t want to interfere with that aspect of individuals lives.  We are here as an “addition” to what they are already doing.  We are about what our name states: teaching health, wealth, and spirituality and we are founded on 8 spiritual principles:

“Forgive and be forgiven.”
“Sow and reap what you give out.”
“Have eyes to see and ears to hear.”
“Treat others as you want to be treated.”
“Love your neighbor as you want to be loved.”
“Give your whole heart, soul, mind, and strength to THE CREATOR OF LIFE–God.”
“Visualize dreams, wishes, desires, and prayers as if they are happening NOW.”
“Be perfect–complete in love–as THE CREATOR OF LIFE (God) is perfect: loving all people.”

We believe that by learning to practice these principles all individuals are enabled to secure
ANYTHING and EVERYTHING
they want by creating the life they want to live.

Our church is lead by John Solomon Sandridge who is truly the most amazing human I know anywhere.  The man that gave me life through his skills as a Naturopathic Spiritual Intuitive.  I literally am alive today because of him and I’m alive and healthy and also have my inner healing because of…his teaching and his skills as a naturopath and life coach.

Now I want to add that this is just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to our church.  There is much, much more to tell.  And that I’m hoping that in addition to my chats with you the web site will fill a lot of that in real real soon.  But I will tell you that within a week we should be in our office that has a large area for church and two other rooms for offices!

All I can say is that tonight I’m smiling broadly.  All our work is coming together and beginning to birth.  What could be more satisfying??

Stay tuned because there is sooooo much more and it will keep coming.  In chunks and pieces.  But tonight I’m outta here, the bed beckons like a beacon in the night.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-over the weekend me and my business partners decided to take 30 days to focus on being positive only.  So every time we are negative we are to zap it by correcting it with being positive.  I’m really enjoying this practice, it’s making such a difference in me and my outlook.  You may want to join us.  If you chose to practice being positive till June 16th let me know!  It’s always better when a bunch of people do something together.

So back onto a new “to do” list they go.  Remaining undone.

That’s the issue with a web site we keep wanting to launch.  That’s the issue with this little bit of information that I need to get faxed off to a company we have an account with.   That’s the way it’s been for the light bulb I need to replace in my kitchen.  The one that I mentioned a couple months ago that blew the very same night I finally replaced one that had needed replacing for about 2 months.

Then there’s those moments when you finally…finally got a small, yet important to you, thing done.  Ah the rush of exhilaration.  The overwhelming sense of releif that makes you question why on earth you just didn’t get the bloody little thing done ages ago…That’s what happened just a few minutes ago.  I added a blog I read to my blog roll: Cathy at the Red Door.  FINALLY.  Do you have the slightest idea how many times I muttered that I needed to do that?  You don’t want to know.  Well, now it’s done and I feel tremendous about it.  I also want you to consider giving her a look.  Great blog.  Great friend.  Very skilled and talented lady whose finally finding the courage to push herself/her art out into the world a bit more after all these years.  I applaud and support her.  I’ve known her for 20 years but didn’t know until she began writing her blog what a tremendous writer she is in addition to her art skills.  She writes very moving pieces.  I personally think she should write more.  But then, look at me…with my list of dangling undones 

Now, if I could figure out how to post photos in my blog…

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane

So honestly not much to report today.  And bed calls, loudly.

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane

I’ve spent a lot of time this week on something I’m not particularly fond of…book keeping.  You could say that I’m finally doing that aspect of our business after all this time.  Oh, I’ve been keeping receipts.  That’s one thing that I do do.  I keep most of them in a file.  In my two drawer, Rubbermaid, file cabinet.  Others are “stored” in various forms: emails, pay pal history, bank statements…  So, since it is that “most wonderful time of the year”, and I’m not referring to Christmas, I needed to gather all that information together into one neat pile and present it all to my friend/tax lady/accountant.

You could say I’ve spent a lot of time on that project this week.  Which spurred the following public announcement, made because I believe this will help me hold to my resolution…my New Year’s Resolution/Goal for 2010–yeah, yeah, I know a little late, but better late…–is to get my act together with this whole finance thing.  My friend/tax lady/accountant pressed me to allow her to teach me how to use Excel.  She claims that its’ simple.  The way she said it you could easily envision “simple” with a bold, capital S.  I need to let her teach me since, as she says, “it will make your life so much better.”  Well, all I can say is that’s a steep promise to make.  I mean…make my life better.  Wow.  Here I am working day and night on my business and my inner healing work all for the end goal of making my life better and a simple thing like Excel is going to accomplish that for me.  Amazing.  Who knew??  So much for the view of people who live, breath, eat, and dream numbers and columns.  LOL. 

“Frankly,” I told her “I wish I had the money to pay you to do it all.  Because I would.”

I want you to know that I love my friend/tax lady/accountant.  From the day I met her five years ago there was an instant bond between us.  So I am thankful to her for what she is about to do.  But then on the other hand who ever knew then that I would have her to thank for a better life?    

But seriously, enough of my punchy, I need sleep, pounding words out on my key board, I mean all this.  I’m going to finally go where I’ve never gone before.  I’m going to learn how to keep track of my financial life. My personal life needs me to.  My business needs me too even more…

Here’s an amusing antidote for you…for my whole life I’ve been surrounded by book keeping/accountant types who LOVE this sort of thing.  They live and die by it.
Now two amusing facts/stories that reveal who those people are:
One of them is my “ex”.  He went to college for his accounting degree and was in that profession for nearly 12 years.  He lives in Excel.  I mean this literally.  His entire life can be found in there.  If there’s anything that has numbers, I promise you it’s on a spread sheet.  Now I’m not putting him down.  Frankly he amazes me with his skill at creating those calculated sheets.  See all the years of our marriage I groaned and ran from the bills, check book, anything that resembled book keeping.  I didn’t do any of that, but I did keep every single receipt–well okay almost every single receipt–and pass it along to him.  This was a crucial thing for me to do…if I wanted peace.  He had to have those receipts.  Because, see, he had coloumns to fill in.  No receipt…a space would go empty.

I’ll tell you those blooming recipts caused more than one arguement…

The other is my mother.  She is the duplicate of my “ex”.  She’s all over numbers.  Works them with the ease of Julia Childs with food.  I gave her quite a lot of concern as to what would happen to me, being so number resistant.
Back in the early days of my marriage I was the one who handled the check book.  A serious mistake… Well something was going on with my check book so she took everything from me–months and months of stuff…–and tried to reconcile it.  After hours of stabbing away at those large number buttons on her huge accountant/calculator thing– that remains a mystery to me to this day– that steadily spit out miles of white receipt tape imprinted with black numbers, she tore it off and declared it completely unsaveable.  “Close the account,” she said.  So I did.
But that really didn’t solve anything…Ergo, the “ex” took over.  Which as I think about it may be the very reason he decided to go to college for accounting.  Well, look at that.  My weakness inspired another human being to greater things in life…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-I hope tax season is going well for you!  It’s served to transform mine