So while I’ve been doing the bunny hop all over Birmingham this my posts suffer.

For the last few weeks I’ve been going around with a metal sliver in my toe.  I’ve tried repeatedly to get the bugger out.  But no go.  Hard to get something out you can’t see.  But I know it’s there because I felt it go in and it’s been hurting ever since.  The last few days I’ve put Black Salve on hoping to draw it out.   After I tested it today by walking around without a bandage or sock I can assure you that it’s not out.  There’s been a small ache in my foot that starts at my toe and moves up.  The other day the pain was radiating up my leg.  Have no idea how I’m going to get this thing out but I can’t help but make the connection to how things in our lives effect us even if we can’t see them.

They’re there every day causing a little pain and effecting our mental and physical health to some degree without our even knowing it because it’s not staring us in the face.

For the last near 7 years I’ve worked intensely on healing childhood traumas.  I continue to be surprised at how they’re having a lasting effect on me.  How I react to things and so forth.  I carried those issues into my marriage and the “unseen metal slivers” had their effects.  Then there was the marriage and the “slivers” that I accumulated there.

So where am I going with all this??  Last week my “ex” and I finally went for counseling.  It was a productive session.  I left crying.  But it was a good cry, like the drawing effects of Black Salve, the tears were drawing out the “slivers” we have between us.  These days I am feeling better toward my ex and he has improved toward me.  We’ve agreed to go every other week so I am hoping to see even more healing take place between us till finally all the “slivers” are drawn out and life is peace and sweet between us.

Love ya,
Theresa Jane

BIG physical change.  But then her entire life went through a big change.

Hair and clothes seem to go hand in hand with a women getting divorced.  I know it did with me.  I think it’s needed.  Psychologically.  The shift is huge and with it much needs to change to keep up with what happened to our lives.  What was hotly pursued yesterday is history today.  Change can be painful.  Change is good.  Change produces newness…

As with Kate, divorce brought about a change in my clothes and hair but change didn’t and couldn’t stop there.  I continue to be in change even today.  I married at 18.  Was married for 23 years.  Didn’t go to college.  Was a housewife/mom.  I never stepped out and found me.  So now old is new.  Then there’s just all new.  But what is new?  There is nothing new under the sun is there?  Just a recycle.  But to me it’s new.  Learning to embrace the me of I involves change.  Becoming…  Enlarging…  Moving toward and moving away.  But one thing remains the same, I’m a mom.  I love and care for my kids.  I miss being a stay at home mom.  Since I can’t be that anymore I want to become a successful business woman.  Which, in my mind makes sense.  I got me a bunch of kids.  I want them to have things.  I want to provide it for them.  Having my own successful business can bring about those things far faster than working a 9 to 5 could ever think of doing.

When I listened to the questions that the woman on The View peppered Kate with I rolled my eyes.  She was supposed to be there to some degree to be talking about being on Dancing with the Stars and they wanted to know about the particulars of how her divorce is working.  Is her husband, yeah a slip of the tongue, which she corrected pointing out that he was an “ex”-husband, helping by watching the kids.  Is he paying alimony????  She graciously answered the first letting them know that he watched the children for a week while she was at the show, but beyond that she trailed off some on that answer.  I mean is that a surprise?  The woman is divorced.  Is she supposed to know the where abouts of her ex?  She didn’t respond to the alimony question.  I applauded her for how she dealt with them on that one.

I also saw some commercial clip from a comedian making some crack about how it was good that Kate would be on Dancing with the Stars so her kids could see her once a week… Now let’s simply ignore that she is at HOME practicing in her basement.

Kate G. was for the most part admired as a stay at home mom but questioned as she transfers beyond that, as if she doesn’t need to provide for her kids, and this is something I know about…Ergo this post…

Here’s the thing that I have to state to America.  I want to lay it out in blazing colors:  Divorced mother’s that work and pursue their own career/business still love and care for their kids.

In all the years that I was married, I was a stay at home mom with a husband who worked at least 12 hour days and traveled for several years.  When home he barely assisted me around the house…he had worked all day.  And what had I done?…  BUT in all the years I never heard him get peppered with questions about his fathering.  Or how much money he did or didn’t give me…  He was admired for his work.  For the hours he put in and now since he has the children with him his praise factor has risen through the roof and me?  Well…  Me divorced?  I don’t get a lot of praise.  I get loads of intrusive questions that can imply that I don’t love my children.  They started with my own mother and to this day I can hear the grating tone in her questions as she grills me to report on how much I see them.   Questions from other come in a lot of the same form that I tend to hear Kate G. get and she’s the primary caretaker of her children.  And they come with the same cocked eyebrow, whether visible or not, that the world gives.

What do people always want to know of me?
If I’m working my chose way to earn money: caring for other people’s children the questions will be:
1)  Where are my kids now?
2) Who is caring for them?
Thoughts that bounce through my head: Oh I locked them alone in the house, left milk in the fridge and bread on the shelf and told them I’d be home in a few hours.

–Here’s another.  People hesitate to hire me because, and I get this a LOT, they don’t want to bother me or take me away from caring for my kids. Lots of times when I arrive at a job they’ll ask if it’s really ok for me to be there to care for their kids?  Then follows point 1 and 2 from above.  (Let me add that I have many families that hire me without  these questions.  They’re lovely and supportive of me.)

Hum, I need to work.  I have bills.  I’m divorced.  Not a stay at home mom. Money doesn’t just appears so I can pay bills?  How is my chosen way to generate income till my business takes off, caring for children, any different then say working at Target??  I’ll tell you the difference.  It would involve my personal happiness and pay.  I wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much, if at all, and frankly it would likely pay less.  I want to ask someone, “Is it wrong to pick child care as a means to generate income?  If I could be paid just to care for my kids, believe me I would.  In a heart beat.  But there’s no more pay or retirement there then there was when I was married.

What I do I do to create a future for me and my kids.  Just as my “ex” does for himself and the kids.  He works for others to build his 401K.  I build my business to build my financial future.  Is it wrong to want a secure future?  To want to have my own business?  To do what I enjoy? Because I have a bunch of kids?

My marriage ended.  Regardless of the number of children I have to move forward.  I can’t just stay in my apartment and raise my kids.  Nor can Kate G.  As she clearly stated, “I’m thankful for these opportunities I have to provide for my children.”  And so am I.

Why does the world have such a time accepting the change that woman, such as us, were thrust into accepting?

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

I saw a movie with the line, “You can know the end from the beginning.”  Good Lord is that true…  Before marriage I ignored.  I looked the other way.  I painted sandcastles in the sky and wrapped glittery, white picket fences around way too much with my ex.  Then followed…Regret.  Disappointment.  Frustration.  And 23 years later…divorce.  The waves had washed away the sandcastles and wood rot destroyed the picket fence.

I still have 10 years to go before all my children will be grown.  10 years of finding new ways to cope with and deal with an ex who makes it his determination to spew venom.  Be mean and hateful.  Couch things in a manner where he makes me out to be this incredibly horrible, screwed up, person, who he, and I quote, “Would give anything if he never had to see me again”.  And to this man I pledged myself in holy matrimony.  To this man I poured everything into supporting.  Assisting.  Working so he got his college education.  His moves up the ladder which included countless job transfers that required yet another move.  I assisted and supported through 12 hour work days and travel.  With a growing family, that we both felt should be home schooled.  A man, who when he came home wasn’t interested in lifting much of a finger to help.  But still I was supportive…

For what?  Because today their is not thankfulness.  Not a shred of it to be seen or heard and he earns the BIG bucks with the snappy job.  What is his assistance to me??  Well..

All I can say is I’m learning to love and forgive when another individual cares nothing about returning either.  Learning how to control myself.  Have patience.  Get my emotions under control.  Let things roll off my back like a duck.  Respond reasonably.  Level headed.  Unhyjacked.  I’m growing.  I’ve getting better at it and stronger.  This is a way to better myself.  Because if I can do it with him (and then my mom), I can do it with anyone.  And I’m looking forward to the day when I can deal with him completely free of being bothered. When I experience True-Freedom.  Inner freedom.  And frankly I am beginning to see that day thanks to all my conscious work I’ve done and now with the new meditation CD, 7 Steps to True-Freedom, that John Solomon has created, I’ve been using for the last couple weeks, I’ve seen a surprising and amazing difference in me and dealing with him and my mom.  It’s a tool that’s aiding me in ways that surprise even me.

Why do I do it??  Deal with him?  For my kids.  I love them.  I want to stay plugged in as much as possible.  I want to be a part of their lives as much as I can.  With 8 it becomes a very sticky matter.     And without a doubt I do not want to be a parent who only sees my kids every or every other weekend and has no input otherwise… The thought makes the air suck out of my lungs.

I’ve asked him about a 100 times for us to go to counseling because we have to find peace between us.  But that’s ignored.  Completely.  So, on my own I will continue to seek ways to find and maintain peace.  And right now that CD I mentioned is something that I’m leaning heavily on.  It’s a source to give me what I say I want.  Because when I heal, the world is healed.

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who otherwise had a terrific full afternoon with Grace.  Enjoyed “Leap Year” at the Dollar Theater eating our way through a bucket of popcorn, then off to see Blessing’s apartment all set up with her things, then off to Dairy Queen to split a Reese Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard.  A sweet time.  A fun time.  Then I was with John Mark doing a few hours of work on our business.

Load of laundry.
Check bank balance.  Call bank.  Wait on hold.  Problem fixed.
Check email.
Burn a silly movie I made to DVD.  Check it on TV.  It works!

Check leads of information from those follow on Twitter.  Read.  Read.  Read.  Take notes.  Print info.
Write blog post.
Steamy hot shower.
Walmart:  “Why is my bill $31.00?  Jeepers Cats, $14 for two bags of grapes?  God, how much were they a pound… $2.39!  Why didn’t I pay attention??  That’s the last of my fresh grape juice for the year.
At computer:  Supposed to be able to download audio books for free from my local library.  I have the business card right there in front of me telling me that it’s possible.  I look everywhere.  Can’t’ find a single spot to hook up to this feature.  Someone tell me why I can’t find this?  Why isn’t it straight forward??  Why, even when I dig around I still can’t find it?  This is taking too long.  Got to do something else related to business.

This is my library Love my library.

Lunch: Homemade hot cocoa

Dig deeper into Shelfari, to really learn this site.  Decide: this is really an awesome site.  Discover there’s an area for authors to create a page for themselves and their books.  Look at what other authors have done.  Did you know that Stephen King has written 75 books and 7 under a psudo name!!  Astounding.  Scanned to find out how to create an author page for John1′s.  Can’t figure it out.  WHY???????  Look some more.  No go.  WHY????????

Write this blog post.

Work on a document I’ve been creating.
Look at clock, 3:45, want to get the kids from school.  More work.  4:30, still want to get kids from school.  No time really.  Have so much to do.  Plus need to finish getting info together for meeting tomorrow night and have to factor in a class at Apple store tomorrow as well.  5:15.  Pointless to get kids from school.

End result:  Didn’t have any time to see my kids today.  I miss them.  That’s the crapper about divorce.  You have to purposefully go to see your children.  No time.  No see.  It sucks.  They don’t just stream in the door, shouting, “Hey mom!” drop their back packs on the floor, give you a hug and kiss, and tear off for the kitchen in search of a snack.  Instead your home echos hollow without their youthful voices scenting the air with it’s delicate fragrance. The silence made my heart ache and I drifted back to yesterday.  When I was playing around with Caleb.  We were being silly.  Laughing and teasing.  With Christmas coming I spontaneously asked him “What is the one thing you wish you could have?”  Without adding “for Christmas”,   Before I spoke those words I thought, he’d say, “to go to Disney for a week” or “to have my own laptop”.  However the moment the words left my lips I knew.   My breathing constricted.  The clock stopped ticking.  But it was too late to pull the question back.  If I could have inhaled them right back into my mouth, sucked them out of existence, I would have.  To avoid the, in our faces pain that would steal our joy and stab at his little heart and mine.  Instead when I inhaled my next breath the words that softly left his mouth, devoid of giggles were, “To have you and daddy together again.”  Sullen sadness filled the space.  I drew him to me.  We hugged each other into a deep embrace and held ourselves there.  Tears pooled in my eyes as I stroked his soft hair, “I wish that was the case too honey.  I wish we all lived together.  Oh how I wish.  But that just can’t be and it totally stinks.  It makes me sad too.”  A few minutes passed, we separated, and went on just a little less silly, a little less giggly.

Dinner: Mashed potatoes with white gravy made from the broth of the chicken thighs I cooked, and bread with butter: comfort food.

Eat and listen to Duma Key by Stephen King.
Talk to John2 for a while.
Finally put load of laundry into dryer.
Brush teeth.  Change out of day clothes into night clothes.
Broke a nail.  Crap.  Well there’s a pattern on my right hand now, every other nail is short.
Think about doing dishes.
Try to eject DVD I burned earlier from inside Mac.  Won’t eject.  Look up on internet what to do.  Do all three steps.  Great.  It’s stuck.  So what now?  Don’t want to take in to genius bar. . .  Light bulb goes on.  I took it out earlier and viewed it on my TV . . .
Work on a new blog post that came to me.  Edit it.
Come over and edit this blog post.
Result: three blog posts today.  That’s a record

Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who doesn’t think she’s going to post all three posts today.  I’m saving at least one for another day.  Want to go over it again.