I had grown up in anger, used anger to cover pain and hurt, responded with its sharp edge to send a strong message to whoever might be coming across like they were attacking or hurting me in any way to let them know that they couldn’t hurt me.   It was my defense and boy was I defensive.

With over forty years of reinforcement this area of my life has presented me with nothing but a struggle to overcome. To some degree, in spite of the work I have done in and outside of sessions, I lacked sincerity in practicing the techniques I was being taught.   My sincerity went sorely lacking when I would get annoyed, upset, or felt threatened. Then I would throw my teaching straight out the window in a fervor of irritation proclaiming that I was ticked and that was that and I was going to be ticked.   I had every reason to be ticked/angry.  Afterward I would always regret it of course but then it was too late.

I’m far worse with some people than others.  My children and most outside people not so much.   Unfortunately the one I’m far worse with is my ex.   My couch told him he has the same problem, he’s addicted to arguing and with me.  So once we push each other’s buttons it’s like the bell at a boxing match, we’re both in the center of the ring, gloves up, dancing around waiting to see who takes the first swing so we can get our fix.

Through the years my couch would ask me how things were going with my fighting, arguing, and anger especially when it came to my ex and I would want to disappear into the seat.  I felt like a broken record.  Seriously you could press play on the recording, the answer was the same.  Over the years we’ve talked about it so much I’m just going to go ahead and say it, I got sick and tired of talking about it.  Even though we did talk about other things with the frequency that this came up it felt like there wasn’t anything else.  At times I would think, “Can’t we talk about something else for crying out loud?”

Then in this last year, to my surprise, I reached a point where I feared that I was never going to have real transformation to this problem.  Even though I had been able to overcome my addiction to smoking pot literally overnight I was finding this addiction to be like quitting cigarettes is to most people, impossible.  I became totally fearful that I was going to stay stuck in this mire forever.  But I didn’t say it out loud.  However one day to my surprise someone else did, someone I respect highly, in irritation they said, “I didn’t think you’re ever going to overcome your anger, this is going be an issue for you the rest of my life.”  Ouch. Sting. Burn. Not that they knew it but I cried over that and felt like a complete miserable failure in life and wanted to hide.

Even though I had been going around afraid that I was a hopeless case it took an outsider to speak the same thought to push me out of my self-pitying “stuckness”.  I squared my shoulders and decided that I didn’t have to accept that prediction for my life from anyone.  I have overcome so many things I can overcome this.  I can transform my anger into peace and love.

So began the challenge and that’s when little things started to happen.

More about that next time,
Love ya,
Theresa

The Beetles sang about starting a revolution to change the world in their song Revolution.  Once upon its day I learned to really like that song and its dum ditty, dum ditty beat but today I view revolution for world change through a different lense.  Back in the day I was all about world peace and radical liberal thinking, but I had no clue how to access that possibility and I didn’t give it any thought either.  I guess I assumed the world would start talking about it and we’d all jump on board because everyone would see the absolute need to stop the killing and the evil that lurked through every crack around the world.  But I had no plan.  I didn’t really know anyone who did.

Today I see the near lunacy of that approach.  I realize that if there is to be world peace it must begin in me and within each individual on the planet.  As Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  If I can’t even get along with those in my own family how on this earth am I to do it with others down the street let alone those that are around the world??

World peace begins within, one person at a time.

As I mentioned in my last blog I am all about changing the world that is within me; peace and love are my focus for this year.   To quell my anger that can all too easily ooze out onto others.  This is the year that Theresa/me starts a revolution within herself/me, the year she lays her “guns” down and waves the white flag of surrender.  Surrender to peace and love.  Surrender to the words of Christ that says to have peace with all men, to have it beyond all understanding, and to love one another always.  Surrender to the love and peace that are already within me.

When I was created, when we were all created, I/we were instilled with love and peace from the Creator of our life and flesh.  Throughout every cell and corpuscle there already exists these two qualities, however time and suffering have caused me/us to shovel mountains of suffocating dirt on top of them and create a block within that stifles love and peace.  So my plan is to get in touch with the anger.  To shovel till the blade scraps love and peace and I can loosen and lift it out from the grave it has been buried in so it can blossom and release its fragrance for the world to enjoy.

When Christ suggested that we love one another He didn’t mean when I felt like it, He meant always, even when someone is  ticking me off.  LOL.

It is now time to look past my ticked and what they‘re doing and to the underlying reason for my anger which lies within me and completely outside of what they are doing.  No one can make me angry, I choose anger in response to some issue that I have.  Whatever they are doing is simply pushing a well worn button somewhere within me, and when that occurs I can do one of two things, get angry or allow it to give me the opportunity to discover one of my hidden issues and heal it.  Transform the button/anger into something beautiful like love and peace.

This will be my year and I have a plan.  8-) 

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-ya know what???  This makes me think of the movies: Ice Age…

John’s new video:

In the Steven King movie I talked about last, there was a female character who was dying a terrible death.  It was made obvious that it was due to her holding on to hate.  Her line: “Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.”

Translation: this was what allowed her to survive.

The movie shows us that she was obviously hurt in her childhood and then in her marriage.  Her “demons”, Bitterness and Hate, permeated her and in the end they devoured her with sickness and twisted her outside body into a terrible form reflecting what was inside… She wanted to die.  It was the only way she knew to “kill them off” and release her from them and her awful existence.

These “demons” we/I co-exist with exact a terribly high price to allow us to live off from/hold on to them…

I want to be released from my “demons”.  However I know that I don’t have to die to be released, but they have to.  I can go on to live a beautiful and peaceful existence after I’ve killed off my “demons” (my issues) and replace them with “angels”.  In this case “angels” of Forgiveness and Love for all people including my mother.

This is also the message of the book John Solomon wrote: Red Book and Cotton.  It is the entire theme really.  How to overcome the issues that keep us from “true-freedom”.  The man, Nimrod, had every reason to hold on to his anger and hate, he was born and raised an African American slave.  Who was treated worse than the slaves??  But in spite of his childhood and adult treatment and existence he was able to overcome and go on to live in not just the paper freedom that the government granted in his lifetime, but he was able to arrive at his true-freedom as well.  By learning to love and forgive those that had been atrocious to him and his people.

To me it has been a tremendous eye opener to how I needed to live.  His life story has played a very powerful role over the years to my inner healing.  Because if anyone “deserved” to hold onto to their hate it would have been him.  But he learned to let it go, “kill off his demons” and because he did he was able to experience true-freedom and this is the message to us that is in the book.  Through his life story we learn of his pain and traumas, the horrors committed against him and were all around him and then we are shown how he learned to free himself of the anger, hate, and unforgiveness he harbored toward the white people.

The book has been inspiring.  Provided me tremendous guidance and self-revelation to jerk me awake and to keep me on the path to my inner healing/True-freedom.  Read it.  You’ll be glad you did.  Check out John’s blog too, click here, it’s based on his book and the truths that lie within.

Night, love ya,
Theresa