Becoming “you” is vital to everyone’s existence, if we’re to have a full and satisfying life.  You’d think something this vital would be taught more.  But I know I wasn’t.  My parents, most especially my mother, wanted me to bend and torque to the image she wanted from me and if I didn’t: well look out.

Being raised this way caused me to live with blinders.  Blocking out much that didn’t fit the pattern she beat into my head: submissive, obedient, don’t question, don’t feel, fear…  Keeping me from seeing the way I had become.  Let alone know that there may be another way.  A better way.  Therefore it has taken years of working with my life coach to learn certain essential things and literally seconds to understand.

For instance I worked years with my coach before he assisted me to see the mask I wore was called “worthless“.  Oh sure I “saw” it.  More or less.  Some times I caught glimpse of it.  But I didn’t understand it till last month.  That day the light went on, I understood.  I understood the far reaching implications, how it literally effected my every thought and action every single day…  I shaped my life around that word and it was riddled with hurt and disappointment and I expected nothing else: worthless people don’t deserve happiness.

Now that I “understand” I’m able to form new thoughts and remind myself:  I have value and worth, I can be loved and show emotion, I can live for me…  It’s safe.  And best of all now I can detect when I feel myself beginning to slip on the mask of worthlessness.  Enabling me to take action to negate it.  Some times I win big.  Others sort of.  Others not at all… but at least now I can evaluate it…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane

“Theresa tell me very brief answers about how your mother, father and Scott saw/felt about you…”  “Good.”  “Now what effect did that have on you?”
With some guidance this is what I listed on my paper their “stuff” and mine: No self worth
, No love for myself, 
Desperate, 
Illegitimate child, 
Hated.
“Very good.  Now summarize the list with one word.”
“Worthless.”

Blah.  Yucky word.  Not one I’m particularly proud of.  The worse part is that all these years I’ve been going through life feeling that way.  At times consciously but all the time unconsciously.  Therefore its been effecting me across the chess board of my life.  Since that is what I felt, I’ve been projecting it to the world and expecting to be treated that way.  Not great.

Ultimately this word became my identity: who and what I believed I was
Which became my persona: What I believe, feel, my emotions, thoughts…
Then it became my mask:  my hiding behind my beliefs, feelings, emotions, thought…

The mask was always:  KEEPing me from getting what I wanted,  KEEPing me from seeing my good,  KEEPing me only having minimal success or from any success at all, caused me to make wrong decisions, and kept me from peace, happiness, joy, and self-worth.
Shut up, in the Keep*.
Imprisoned in the iron mask.
Cut off.  Trapped, since I was young, in a pit that held me in it’s depth .  It was so deep that when I looked up all I could see was the darkness of the sky.  But thankfully, always, there were the twinkling of stars urging me to come forth.  And I wanted to.  But the sides were porcelain smooth and no ladder like handles protruded it’s glassy sides to provide a way of escape.  All I could do was reach.  Never knowing that the way out was always right there in my grasp: removing the mask.

In order to remove the mask I had to first see it.  Really see it.  Not just mouth the words: “I can, more times than not, feel worthless.”  No, the iron that shaped my suffocating mask had to materialize so I could see it’s every pore and divot.  See the poxed impressions it was making into my skin.  Threatening to permanently brand me.  I had to have eyes to see it.

The journey to vision has been arduous and very “Wonderland,” as explained in the last post.  Over the years I’ve: worked on my issues, they’ve been tough to see and tough to kick, come to see startling revelation and more painful truths of my what my parents were really like when I was growing up and as well as my ex then I already saw on my own, had to come to see the effect it played on me.  The process has been very “backwards.”  And well it should have been.  I had to tear myself down in order to get to the foundation.  Private coaching sessions, classes, meditation CD’s, meditation, prayer, and books galore.  Tears and pain.  Frustration and Fear.  Anger and rage. Depression, hurt, and confusion.  And all sand castles had to be swept out to sea. I had to come out of my “Matrix.”

It’s all taken some time, but One shouldn’t wake up too fast it may kill them…

But it’s returning to me a life and clarity.  Both my birthright.  Everyone’s birthright.  But for some like me, and likely many of us, it was beaten out of us mentally and physically by our parents, before it ever had the chance to burst forth into blossom.  Crushed in it’s bud state.

Now my mask has materialized.  I’ve begun to rip it off.  Because now I really can.

Will the real Theresa Jane please stand up???  Well, finally she is beginning to…

Theresa Jane
-*Keep:the dungeon of a castle.  Interesting eh?
One more post to go… But for now…what are your masks?  I urge you to follow your white rabbit, to see what you’ve been missing, whats been there all along.  It’s blocking you from having a real life and keeping you locked with “sloppy logic.” And the clock keeps ticking…